Facing New Life as a "Born Again Diabetic"

World Diabetes Day: The Late Edition??

2010-11-16T09:20:00.003-06:00

I know, I'm a week or so late for the diabetes blogathon, and I know that I have not blogged since July (?!?! Really!!?!). I DON'T know what my deal is. I'm in a slump of sorts. I've been trying to figure it all out for months.

Maybe it's because before I got pregnant, I didn't really have a good diabetes routine. I didn't focus much on it. I checked here and there and bolused along those same lines, but it wasn't a focus for me. It was just there, and I had to deal with it to function, but it was certainly not a priority.

It was certainly not the priority it became once I was pregnant... maybe the better term would be obsession. I obsessed over it. I checked 25 times/day the first two days I found out I was responsible for another life. I cried when I had blood sugars of 130 for more than 30 minutes and I checked my CGMS every 10 minutes, at least, even when I settled down a bit. It was easy, though. Well, not easy, but it was worth it. All of the time, dedication, the finger pricks, the huge CGMS needles, the site changes... all of it was so worth it. It was for her. So why can't I do it for ME?

Well, here are my 6 things I'd like for you to know about diabetes, and they do all somewhat run together, but here they are:

1. There are no real rewards.

Sure, living, and especially living without complications, is a reward. But it isn't tangible. It isn't like we get a gold star or a tootsie roll at the end of a hard day's work. And even then, it isn't a guarantee. Even if I do everything I should, I could still have complications, and diabetes could still kill me.

I think that is why it was easy when I was pregnant...I was working toward a goal, a very tangible, perfect little reward. But now, and before? Well, I am already living, and shouldn't that just be a given? That I get to continue living, without having to FIGHT for it every.second.of.every.day...

2. It doesn't stop and it will never end.

...Diabetes is all day, every day, there are no breaks, and there are no vacations; the further you try to run, the harder it will hit you. There is no escape. It's always on my mind. I'm always calculating, wondering, and waiting. I never know when my next low will hit me, when the next time I'll be shaking all over, unable to focus or think clearly, covered in sweat, and faced with the fear that this may be the one that gets me...

3. It is scary.

...This may be the one that knocks me unconscious, the one that I'll never wake up from. The one that will leave me helpless, and maybe I'll have my daughter with me, or maybe I'll be alone. Or maybe it won't be that quick, maybe it will just debilitate me, leave me blind, or require amputations, or dialysis... These are not always conscious thoughts and I certainly don't live in fear... but the reality is always there, no matter how deep I try to bury it, and that reality won't go away, no matter how hard I try...

3. It is HARD.

...To do well is far from easy. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of thought and calculation. You have to always be on your A game, never slacking or losing track. There is no mindless snacking, or getting too busy to eat. Things that other people take for granted are the things that keep us alive. One wrong move, one guesstimation that is off can send us spiraling out of control. So we have to be determined, and dedicated and check check check to make sure we're on track, but that is no guarantee that we will be. No matter how hard we try, there is no such thing as truly getting it right...

4. I'm never in control and I'll never really get it right.

...Even when we're at our best, we're always susceptible to things going wrong: bad sites, bad insulin, wrong calculations, getting sick, and the list goes on. The fact of the matter is that there is no such thing as total control. We are never really in control of anything... Diabetes always has the one up. So sometimes I just don't feel like fighting it anymore. What's the point if it's a losing battle, if it's a battle I can't win...

5. The fight is worth it and despite it all, I am truly happy.

...I guess the thing is, I'm not in it to win it. I'm in it to keep fighting, and it isn't a losing battle, just a continuous one. Life isn't guaranteed, diabetic or not, but every day I get to spend with my daughter, and my husband, and my family, it's worth it. That IS my reward, and they are certainly tangible. So what if the fight doesn't end, who said having somthing to fight for was a bad thing? It keeps me on my toes but it doesn't take away from my happiness. I have so much to live for and couldn't ask for more out of life. I don't want anyone's pity or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't need that, because, I'm okay. I'm truly happy. If given the option to remove diabetes from my life, would I take it? Yes. In a heartbeat, but then I would never have come to appreciate the value of a good fight, or the million other lessons that diabetes has taught me, and I certainly would not understand how close the bond can be between people who have never even met, but who rely on each other for support...

6. Together, we are strong.

I have never known a more powerful group of people than the group of diabetics that we have in our online community. I am proud to be a member, and even when I feel weak, I can feel the strength of our group and know that it will be okay; we may fight our own individual battles, but we also fight together... and that is powerful, and to me, having that kind of support, makes having diabetes a breeze (most days!).

Life After Baby....

2010-07-19T11:13:00.004-05:00

Wow, what a complete whirlwind the past several months have been! Kate is now 3 1/2 months old (or 15 1/2 weeks :)). She is growing like a weed and she somehow gets cuter every day! I love being a Mommy, yet somehow it still doesn't feel quite real.

I was talking to Brad about this yesterday. I never thought I would get pregnant, either because I couldn't or because I shouldn't, but I did and I had the most amazing, uneventful pregnancy imaginable which resulted in the most perfect miracle I could never have dreamed up myself. I find myself looking at her sometimes and just wondering if this is all real, but it really hasn't hit me yet. I don't think I've absorbed the magnitude of what has happened in our lives... Considering I have not slept through an entire night since Kate was born (and only once have I slept for 6 hours in a row!), I still cannot form complete sentences that make any sense, I reread typed words and sentences and realize nothing makes sense and words a mismatched and misspelled (sorry about that), and I find myself unable to speak of much other than my precious daughter, you'd think it would feel real... but how do you erase a lifetime (or so it feels) of doubt about whether this day would ever come?

Please don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling, a comforting one and I cherish every minute of my time with Kate. Sometimes I just look at her and my eyes well up with tears and I think my heart is just going to explode with love for her. I try to soak every moment in, because I also know that I may not be able to give her a brother or a sister one day, for all the same reasons I thought I'd never get the honor to meet her and be her Mommy.

I also know that just because she is here now and she is no longer dependent on the constant care of my body to help her to grow and thrive, that she is still dependent on me and to ensure that she can grow and thrive in this world, I have to continue to take care of myself. I also know that I don't want her to watch me neglect my diabetes and then have one of my greatest fears come true, that she is diagnosed with diabetes as well. I know that regardless of if she is diagnosed, I have to be a role model for her, just in case. If she is diagnosed, I want her to know that there are worse things, and that diabetes doesn't have to be so bad, because, heck, her Momma has it and is doing just fine. I want her to know that life with diabetes is still life, and a heck of a good one.

I also know thatI want to stick around for a while, and to do that, I have to make sure that I am taken care of. I've got years and years to watch my baby grow up and transform from a tiny baby, to a sassy little girl to a strong woman, and then one day, to a Mommy herself. I want to watch her and support her through it all.

But my goodness is it hard! It's something I didn't read about or hear about when talking about pregnancy and diabetes, although I suppose I should have figured it out. I will say, that keeping up good control after giving birth and welcoming this tiny little baby into our lives is HARD and my diabetes is once again on a back burner. After being so diligent, I am amazed at how quickly I've forgotten it. I suppose my main problem is that I feel like I don't have time to check my blood sugars, especially when I have a crying baby on my hands. I feel like I can't just put her down to check, especially if she needs me or if she's busy talking away and laughing at me. I don't want to miss a moment, even to check my blood sugars. I am also still breastfeeding, although I was never able to do so exclusively, unfortunately. I often wonder if my out of whack blood sugars had something to do with that... Gaining control of my daibetes is something I've been really trying to work on over the past several weeks; I know it is important. I mean, if I want another baby one day, my future child will depend on it. And Kate still depends on it, too. She will always depend on me to step up and take care of myself, no matter how tired I am, or distracted I am. She needs me now and I don't want her to have to go around telling people that her Mom had diabetes and has X complication because she didn't take good enough care of herself. It would absolutely break my heart...

I suppose all I need to do is know that when I am neglecting myself, Kate is feeling neglected, too, and she is likely making this face at me:

BUT when I am doing my job and making sure my health is taken care of, and therefore that she is taken care of, I'll be getting many many more of these:

Now that should be motivation enough!!

Back to Work After Baby

2010-06-28T14:29:00.004-05:00

Whew, what a whirlwind the past three months have been!! There is so much that I want to write and talk about, but who knows if I will ever get the time or opportunity... I hope I do! These include more details on how my c-section actually went down, and some about the recovery, a lot about breastfeeding, and even more about being a new mom with diabetes (whoo, and is it harder than I thought it would be!!).

I feel like I have barely had any time to keep up with all of my wonderful OC friends and now that I am back at work... I will actually have time to do that! (Sad, huh?) At least that is one thing that I am actually excited about with my return... It has been pretty hard so far, though. I came back last Wednesday, and have cried every day since, even when I think I won't. Kate is at daycare, and I think she is happy and doing well there, but I miss her so much. I hate that I am not there to see her perfect smile, her wonderful pout, and even those sad little tears. Its hard knowing that I am missing it all... The thought is always in my head that I was so blessed to have had Kate, but can I really hope for more?? I suppose that fear of not being able to have children never goes away, even after our first little miracle has arrived safe and sound.

In other news, I love being Kate's Mommy... I am figuring out all of her little quirks and getting to know her wonderful personality. She is starting to "talk" and laugh and is the most precious little thing. I can't believe she is old enough to do most of the things that she can now do, because I still feel like she should be this tiny little newborn! It's true, they really do just grow before our eyes!

Here are some new pics of my beauty:

The Diabetes Side of Things

2010-06-02T02:58:00.002-05:00

I suppose the best time to blog is probably in the wee hours of the morning, after Kate's middle of the night feeding... how did it take me so long to figure that one out?!

I want to blog more about how the diabetes side of things are going since I've really neglected doing that. I want to eventually write about how the c-section went and then the first few days with Kate, but really just haven't had the time to do it!

Speaking of time, I feel like my diabetes has really fallen away from my focus now that I have all eyes on Kate. I feel like I don't have time to check like I should and sometimes even forget to bolus for food... I mean, how long does it take to check my blood sugar and bolus with my pump?? It's just hard because I usually have her in my arms, so it makes it pretty difficult.

Kate is 9 weeks old today and is only napping for a grand total of around an hour to two hours at the very most during the day, so I have very little time for myself! I don't know how she is getting so little sleep, but she is!

I am really trying to make diabetes part of my focus again throughout my day, because it is important and necessary, especially since I am still breastfeeding. I want to be around for my little girl, and would like to eventually have a couple more little ones, but I have to re-focus and get back on track!

The Most Beautiful Smile I Have EVER Seen :)

2010-05-30T20:39:00.004-05:00

I know, I know, it has been way too long since my last update!! I have tried updating before, but it takes so long to type my updates out (several days) that they have been deleted, and for some reason not saved in drafts, before I could post them!! I guess that is what my new life as Kate's Mommy is going to be like :)

Kate is 8 weeks old!! I just can't believe it! I feel like just in the past week or two she has grown so much... we've watched her transform from a tiny little newborn to a chunky precious baby! AND over the past several weeks she has slowly begun to work on her beautiful smile and started showing us little bits and pieces of it last week when she showed off her final product... and goodness is it beautiful! She's starting to laugh now, too. It is amazing how from the very moment I wake up in the morning, my main goal for the entire day is to see Kate smile!

She is also starting to coo and talk to us, which is so much fun. The first time she did it several weeks ago, I was so taken back by how much I loved the sound of her precious voice!! I was looking forward and excited about her cooing, but I had never thought about the sound of her voice as one of her "firsts" to look forward to! What an absolutely beautiful sound that !

Kate had her two month appointment and she is now 10 pounds and 3 ounces and is 22 1/2 inches long. We went with our list of usual questions, one of which always includes "how cute is too cute?" but I know the answer to that one :)

We have also been traveling and making sure Kate is getting out and about. We've driven the hour and a half to spend some time with my parents when she was 3 1/2 weeks and then a week or so later again when our a/c went out at our house (see Kate without a/c in her bouncy chair... in her crib for her night without a/c on the left; she sleeps this way every night, although usually covered up) and also the 5 hour drive to see Brad's parents. It was so much fun and it was so wonderful to get out of the house!! I never thought I would enjoy just getting out and seeing the light of day as much as I have!!

Kate has also continuing to roll over, which still just amazes us! Brad loves to show everyone her neat little trick and we are just so impressed with her. She still continues to amaze us with how strong she is and how well she holds her head up. She is also so alert! We recently took our first Mommy/daughter trip to Wal-mart and she just looked around at all the colors and things the entire time! She loves getting out of the house, meeting new people, and unfortunately, she seems to really enjoy shopping!! She is just so good and is a wonderful joy! I can't help but have this crazy, scary feeling that she will be crawling and moving before we know it!! Yikes!! :)

So, that is some of the things we have been up to. I will make sure to try to update you all more often, but it really is so hard! Kate is only taking two or three 30 minute to 1 hour naps during the day (but has been sleeping 5 and the 4 hours during the night!), so that leaves me with very little time to do much (I now have a toothbrush/toothpaste downstairs, as well as upstairs)!! But, I wouldn't rather be doing anything other than spending my days with her... waiting for that smile!

Please know that I do think about you all very often and the only reason I am looking forward to returning to work is that I will have more time to catch up with how you are all doing, as well as share more on what is going on in our lives. I really do miss you all!!

Almost one month later...

2010-04-26T14:26:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe that my baby girl is almost a month old already!! Time really does fly and it makes me sad that she'll never be this little again, but I know we have so much fun ahead of us!

We are doing well and enjoying our time together while I am home (yep, already dreading the return to work :( ) and we trying our best to figure out the Mommy and Daddy thing ;) She's made it this far, so we must be doing something right!!

Brad is an absolutely wonderful Daddy and Kate has him wrapped around her very long little finger already! Brad has a way to make Kate fall asleep and is so gentle with her; he can even make her stop crying by, get this, holding her tiny little hand!! They definitely love their Daddy/daughter time and I love watching them!

Kate is such a joy and is a wonderful baby. She makes us laugh and smile all day (and night) with her feisty little personality and all of her funny faces and little grunts...and boy are there lots of them! My favorite is when she yawns really big, and then she follows it with a long grunt and a face scrunch, all in one silly flowing action. She is also so alert and will open her eyes wide and just gaze around her. I know she can't see much quite yet, but you'd swear she could.

She is also so strong! She cranes her head back and turns her head from side to side and she can even roll from one side to the other. She can hold her head up for an impressive amount of time and can even lift her little body off of us when lying on our chests....and has been for a couple of weeks!! We definitely see a lot of determination and a dose of stubbornness in her, too. Kate is definitely a spunky little thing and is just so full of amazement. Every day we are so incredibly in awe of her and we are already so proud of every little thing she does!

Breastfeeding was a challenge at first, but we are doing better now... it is definitely one of the most difficult things I've ever done, mainly because it was so important to me and I had no clue what to expect, so I was constantly second guessing myself. What I thought was an inability on my part to satisfy her ended up being her love to pacify on me! Introducing a pacifier was a lifesaver for us, even though I was extremely hesitant at first, since "they" say you shouldn't! But, she does fine with it and I am feeling better about all of it. We do still have to supplement her with a few ounces of formula at night, but we are trying to stop that, too... although, we will see how that goes!

Even when there are no more lights in the sky and all is quiet in the world except for in our little house, we can't help but smile and laugh at our precious little Kate. What an awesome adventure we are now on, one that I am sure will bring lots of ups and downs, but mostly lots of love and happiness in our hearts and in our lives. Brad and I are just so thrilled to have Kate with us and we cannot wait to see the little person that she will become!

Thank you all for your love and support and we can't wait to share this incredible new journey with you all!

P.S. - If there is anyone out there who has questions about diabetes and pregnancy, or just questions about life with baby, please please don't hesitate to let me know. I am certainly no expert, but I am happy to be an open book about my own experiences!!

Baby Kate is here and goodness is she a beauty! :)

2010-04-04T11:59:00.004-05:00

That's her furrowed brow expression at 2 days old...oh Mommy and Daddy are in BIG trouble!

Whooo, what a whirlwind it has been... Kate is napping and I finally have few minutes (seconds...??) to catch everyone up. I have not watched tv or been online since her birth... and no I can't imagine what I've done all that time either, especially since only 2 -3 hours/day has been sleeping... so here it is, my precious girl's "birth story":

Kate arrived on March 31 at 12:42 weighing 6 pounds 8 ounces and is 19 3/4 inches long. She's beautiful and more than I could have ever imagined! I went ahead and decided to have a c-section due to a more controlled environment and my retinopathy. You were all right, even though I was extremely scared of the surgery, it wasn't so bad after all and once I saw my beautiful daughter, it didn't matter anyway.

I am having trouble breastfeeding and it has been quite a challenge... one of the things I wanted most was to be able to breastfeed, but it doesn't seem to be coming naturally for me. I've gotten about 2 hours of sleep each night since she's been born (is that normal?!?) and am pretty tired, but trying as hard as I can. I am not giving up easily, but know that it may not work out... she is continuing to root around even after I feed her and never seems to be satisfied, but i don't know if it is lack of milk or if she is starting to pacify herself at the breast because she frequently falls asleep right when I put her back on. I guess we just have to figure it all out and I keep telling myself that regardless of what happens, she will be okay.

I just wanted to give you a quick update while I could. Kate is just so precious and it has definitely been love at first sight and even though we are struggling a little, she really is just perfect in every way and even in between tears and sleep deprivation when I see her little face, I can't help but smile and even with the exhaustion, frustration, fear and anxiety, this mommy thing is pretty awesome!!

So.... c-section or induce??? How do I decide?!

2010-03-22T13:31:00.002-05:00

Another Friday appointment and ultrasound gone, but more questions are left unanswered. This past Friday, I saw both my OB and my MFM Specialist, but I really wish I had seen my OB after MFM...

First my OB, who I trust very much. At my appointment, she mentioned that if my protein made another significant jump, she would schedule me for THIS Wednesday rather than next. The deciding factor will be the results of my weekly HELLP Panel and 24 hour, which I turned in this morning. She has been saying, and repeated again, that everything so far has gone remarkably well and that she doesn't want to push it by going too far. We've all come too far for things to go poorly now, and I agree. I trust her and I know that she will do what is best for both my and my baby...

Then we went for the u/s with MFM and saw a doctor who I had never seen before, since ours was out that Friday, and well, they are "Friday checkups" for a reason ;) All looked great with our wonderful baby girl, who was now about 5 pounds, 7 ounces. As usual, she hid her face, but nevertheless, I think I could pick that little u/s face out of a lineup with 100 other babies! All continues to look great, and again, we can't hope for more than that! However, on the way out the door, the MFM doc asked us what our plan for delivery was. So, I told him that based on my ophtholmologists recommendation, we were scheduled for a c-section. His response went something like this (remember, he is one foot out the door):

"Really?? I have never heard of a c-section being recommended based on diabetic retinopathy... You could certainly go through a vaginal delivery and when it came time to push, they would just use that vacuum thing or forceps... You could always get a second opinion (from another ophth), ... mumbled something about it just being his opinion ... but I am a specialist so I guess that is what I am here for " and then he was gone....

Basically, all I heard was that I don't necessarily have to have a c-section, while my husband just looked at me and shook his head, reading my mind and hoping I wouldn't go there, afterall, he also trusts my OB and really wants what is best for both me and the baby.

So, now I'm confused and don't know what to do. I mean, the MFM doc IS a specialist, so he should know a little something about it... but my OB also knows me and I trust her opinion, as well... and my ophth, who is my cousin, but doesn't have a huge amount of experience yet, let alone experience with T1 pregnancies and I know she got her recommendation from the black and white pages of a text book... and then there is MY opinion and my dream to have a normal delivery, but who knows if that will happen regardless of the "plan"... and so the circle goes...

There are pros and cons to each, but how do I know what outweighs the other when I don't know the OUTCOME?!

So, I've called my OB this morning to get her opinion. If she still thinks c-section is best, then I'll go with it, but I want her to know that I am still open to being induced, if possible and even if it ends up resulting in a c-section anyway.

One thing I do know is that my protein was stable after today's results and we have another week for this baby girl to grow, to get stronger, and to help us make an educated decision on how exactly she will enter this world on March 31st... although, you know, if we can push it back into April, I'd be okay with that, too ... ;)

New updated nursery pics coming soon!!

Getting closer... but hopefully not TOOO close!!

2010-03-18T14:45:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, another week down and we are almost to 36 1/2 weeks! Yep, still crazy ;) Last friday, we had our usual: perfect u/s, doc visit and this time my bp was even about what it is at home (134/82) rather than the 150/90 that I usually get when I sit down in the doc office chair in that little bitty room... then blood work followed. Everything looked great, as it has been, and I was sent home with my wonderful orange container to collect my weekly 24 hour.

Well on Monday the nurse called with my results, and the protein is continuing to go up... so, she said "we will not put you on bed rest, but we are going to limit your activity and you can only work 4 hours a day..." After we hung up, I called Brad to talk about how absolutely silly this is. I mean, I literally sit at my desk all day and do nothing at all. I get up only to use the restroom and to get my lunch. At home, I know I will be doing so much more than that, especially with my precious little Bella, who enjoys going in and out of our house constantly when I am home! I can't work part-time now... I need all the leave I can get for AFTER she arrives!!

So, after I told Brad that I was going to refuse to listen and just wouldn't tell anyone at work... he convinced me to just call and explain the situation to my doctor, so I did :) And I get to work all 8 hours, as long as I PROMISE that I sit there with my feet up (not only awkward, but very uncomfortable, haha!) and that I do NOTHING when I get home... so, I complied, and am still complying (go me!).

I don't like to just sit there, especially when I FEEL perfectly fine and capable to do whatever I want, but I have decided that the doctor probably knows what she is talking about and that for my sake and our precious angel's sake, I will do it :) I mean, at least I am not on bedrest... I don't know how those amazing women get through bed rest!! They are defniitely stronger than I am... the thought of it causes my blood pressure to skyrocket!

So, for now, things continue to be the same and we are just about another week down! Less than two weeks until we meet our precious girl :)

Nursery Pictures and Baby Belly: Her Current and Future Homes!

2010-03-11T09:42:00.004-06:00

Today, instead of just the regular diabetes check-up update, I really wanted to share some fun things, because well, I think I am kind of fun, and well there is more to me than diabetes :) So, here are some pictures of baby girl's nursery and an updated picture of me, in all my big belly glory!

Getting her nursery to where it is now has been a long process and it is still pretty messy in there, but it is all coming together!! These pictures were taken several weeks ago, so things have even changed since then, but hopefully after we accomplish a lo this weekend (hey, I said hopefully, didn't I...) I can take new pictures :) We've gotten so many wonderful things from so many wonderful people that her little bity room is quite full, haha!

Soooo, this is what we started with, after we emptied out the messy office/junk room stuff and somehow found a new place for it to all go, but before we got started with paint, new blinds, etc. It only took two coats of primer and two coats of paint to get the yellow covered...

...but we did it! We went with just a neutral paint color, mainly since we don't plan to live here forever and didn't want to have to repaint later on, and we also didn't want anything TOO pink, so we thought neutral was a good way to go. I think it makes a nice background for all of the dark furniture... It's actually not as white in person.

I told you it was still messy in there!! We've actually made several changes since these pictures were taken... Her crib and changing table are still on that same wall, but the secretary with the glass case on top is now moved to the wall opposite her crib and we have our glider in there, too, where the secretary used to be... next to the window, which is the big brown rectangle that actually kind of looks like a door in these pictures... It really is crazy how fast that little room filled up! Haha!

These are some little knobs that my Mom and I found for the new closet doors that we bought... and painted. They are just so cute and I love that they add a little splash of color and character.

And lastly we have her "new" closet, just about complete. We painted the inside, replaced and painted the closet doors, and then Brad had to move the hanging bar up a little, which took much longer than either of us expected, but he's proved himself to be a very specatular handy man once again! He definitely likes to show off for his girls :)

We also added two sets of drawers/shelves under the hanging rod... I'm still not quite sure yet how to organize it all; although I figure that will likely come when I know how the space will actually be used.

Now we just need to decorate!! We have lots of great things to put in her glass case and on her walls from our wonderful showers, and next we will add her curtains, bed skirt, bumper and bedding, which my Mom is working on (as we speak, actually :)). Here are the fabric samples of what we are using. The daisy pattern is her curtains, then the polka dot/brown is her bumper and skirt and the pink/white stripe is actually sheets that I have had forever that we are going to make into crib sheets for her! We aren't using the green and the solid brown is very soft minky that will be on the opposite side of her bumper and will be used for a blanket with the daisy pattern.

I can't wait to see it all complete! Baby girl definitely has the nicest room in the house and she'll be joining us in only about 3 more weeks!!!

And finally, an updated picture of my growing "baby bump"! Good thing this picture doesn't also capture my ankles.... which are quickly growing into tree trunks! YIKES!

Well, It's For Real...

2010-03-08T16:01:00.002-06:00

My Ob, Dr. G, agreed with my ophth... March 31st via c-section it is. I know it's the best thing, and I knew immediately that it was. I mean, if not a c-section, they would still induce me at 38 weeks, and that is no guarantee against having a c-section. There is always the risk of going through the induction process, being in labor for hours, and STILL having a c-section... I know this is the best thing for us both...

... so why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I haven't done my part in making sure my baby girl is safe and that somehow I haven't done my job in giving her the absolute best environment to thrive and flourish. If I had, would these new trouble spots in my eyes have even shown up? If I hadn't tortured my body for years and years then would this have ever even been a concern? No, probably not... I know I can't take it back and I know that in the grand scheme of things, I have done a good job, but why do I feel like I could have and should have done better?

This weekend my husband was out supporting a co-worker in a breast cancer walk, and then they went to a local bar for a drink and then off to another co-worker's house to hangout. While there, he let the co-worker call to tell me I should go hang out with them (she was a bit tipsy at this point) and she kept telling me I needed to go, I needed to eat anyway and that I needed to have fun... well it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was all alone trying to get everything ready, like I always am, and no, I couldn't eat whatever junk it is that they are having, because I don't want my blood sugar to spike or to eat all the salt since they are monitoring my swelling so closley, and we only have three weeks left to get the house ready and painted and cleaned and organized and no, I don't need to have fun because in a few short weeks, they are going to cut me open and take my baby out on THEIR terms because I didn't do a good enough job of taking care of her. FUN isn't a priority for me right now! (Of course, I nicely told her that I couldn't go and saved the dramatics and water works for after the phone was off)

I know, totally illogical in so many ways, but for whatever reason that phone call just made it all come crashing down on top of me... or maybe it was the confirmation the day before that I was in fact scheduled for a c-section and that all the hope I had been holding onto to not only have a natural birth, but to make it closer to 39 weeks than 38 was gone, ripped from me like the tearing of a page. I guess it even sounds silly that all of that is so important to me, when after all, I have already achieved more than I thought imaginable... I am having a baby!! I guess when I dream, I dream big? I set my goals high... maybe too high?

I am just crushed that I will never go into labor, I will never know what it feels like to have a contraction and I will never hear the joyous cry of our baby after SHE decided was ready to be born and make her grand entrance. I guess it all sounds silly and I know the result is the same, but it was important to me. I desperately wanted that. I wanted all of the messiness and the completely unglamorous scene and the pain and the tears and that joy. I thought I could have that... I thought I had done my job.

I am sure that this will be such a silly post when I look back at it after she is here, but for now, I just feel kind of raw. I'll get over it, though. I mean, my BABY GIRL IS COMING!! I can't be any happier about that part of all of this ;) And in the end, that really is all that matters...

Breaking News: Baby's Birthday is Set... Huh?!?!

2010-03-04T10:05:00.003-06:00

Ahhh, developing news! I had my eye appointment on Monday and it showed that I some new "spots" in my eyes. I did have laser surgery about 7 or 8 years ago but since then, things have been great... until now. I know that pregnancy can cause this and my ophthalmologist did say that it wasn't a lot and will likely go down after I have the baby, but she is recommending a c-section just to be safe.

Okay, not what I wanted to hear, but I see my ob every Friday and figured we would discuss this with her. On a side note, by ophth is my cousin and I know she is not extremely experienced with T1 patients, let alone those who are pregnant and that she is getting all of her info from a book, not from experience... while she is very very intelligent and trustworthy, I wanted to get the opinion of my ob before getting too emotional about it. I left feeling a little down, but not terribly, because I didn't have all of the information I needed yet.

Well, after my eye appointment, I had my records faxed to my ob. Well, I missed a call from my ob yesterday and just figured they would say that my ophth was recommending a c-section. I got in touch with them this morning and the nurse just said "well, your ophth is recommending a c-section so we have you scheduled for Wednesday, March 31st at 12:30 to have your baby..."

Whhaaat??

Now that is NOT what I was expecting AT ALL! I was just so surprised by the call because I see the doc every single Friday and assume that this decision could have been made after we had discussed it two days later ... I mean, if she really thinks that a c-section is best, then I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my baby is safe, but I want all the information, and I believe that I at least get a say in what happens. We have so much to talk about tomorrow!!

I am just still kind of shocked that based on that call, the decision is made on her end! I mean, that's it. I get a phone call and BAM, here is your baby's birthday, thanks for playing?? I guess I don't really know how I was expecting it to all happen, but we hadn't even discussed scheduling a day for induction or c-section yet and I was going to talk to my doc about all that tomorrow anyway. My emotions are just in a whirlwind right now, although, I am sure after tomorrow, I will settle down a bit... It just seems so unreal.

She called about two hours ago, and I am already feeling a little better about it, but I will definitely update you all after my appointment!

I could get used to this... which is good, since I have no choice!

2010-02-23T12:16:00.002-06:00

I love having ultrasounds every Friday! Every single Friday I get to see our precious girl pop up on the screen, show off a little, while always hiding her face from view, of course. Of course, it is hard to get away from work for a significant amount of time each week, but it's necessary, and while I don't want to use tons of leave now, rather than when she is here, I do enjoy getting that special time just watching her.

My routine has become this: Every Friday I have an ultrasound, see the doc, get blood work done for the HELLP Panel, pick up my 24 hour urine kit and head back to work. Then, either Saturday or Sunday I do my 24 hour and then head back to the hospital on Monday morning to drop it off.

Of course, throw in my endo appointment this week and eye appointment next week, and that is a LOT of doctors!! I really don't mind, though, especially since so far, they have brought only a sense of comfort that all is well.

As a side note, my protein has actually gone DOWN from the last time I blogged... it was 1150 last week and was 1250 this week. The week before those it was 1590 but my doc said that sometimes extra fluid intake can cause a higher number, so that's good!!

I am still aiming for 4-6 more weeks, although the closer I get to my due date, the more I find myself pushing back my expectations to closer to 39 weeks :) Gosh, she will really be here before I know it!!

One Day At A Time

2010-02-15T08:53:00.002-06:00

I am still taking everything one day at a time, and it is amazing how taking each excruciatingly long day as a blessing and moving on to the next can quickly add up to 32 weeks! It is truly incredible.

My weekly u/s and check ups started Friday and all went well. The specialist had done them all prior to this so this was the first since the pregnancy was confirmed that my OB saw my baby girl. I think she was actually impressed :) My fluids look good and she is right around 40% on the growth charts. She said she could tell that my blood sugars have been well controlled, which made me extremely excited. It isn't often that we are actually applauded by our doctors when we do well, so I took it all in :) Baby girl is still looking great by all accounts and she even hiccupped on command and we saw her wiggle her tiny little toes! She is truly amazing.

My protein is still increasing; now up to 1500, but again, we are doing 24 hours every week and so we'll see what the next one brings. I asked when delivery would be necessary and she said that if it gets up to around 5000 she may consider it, but we'll see. Hopefully I can make it to at least 38 weeks. My blood pressure was still high for the first two checks, but thankfully the nurse checks until she gets a good one ;) The first was done over my sleeve and was 150/84 and so she pulled it up and I started getting a bit panicky thinking about bed rest, which resulted in a 154/90 ish. So she did it one more time, while I tried my hardest to calm down: 134/83. Whoo, thank goodness! So, I'm on my feet and at work for one more week! Yay!

As it gets closer to the day that we get to meet our baby girl, I have been reflecting a lot on this journey. I honestly feel as though it is has still not completely sunk in that I am really doing this. That I am pregnant and that I am now blessed to know what it is like to have this baby growing inside me and to feel her kick and her ever more frequent hiccups. It was something I never dared to dream about before because I knew it would hurt too much when I found out that it wouldn't be possible for me, especially since so many years of neglect were at my own hand... but here we are, and we've just about made it through to the end!

I was thinking about how I feel like this pregnancy journey will be over before it ever really sinks in and that then it will be too late to actually sit back and enjoy all of the wonderful things that pregnancy brings (and even those not so wonderful things). Maybe it is that I am so pre-occupied by the never ending focus on my blood sugar and diabetes (even while sneaking in a bit of king cake for Mardi Gras) that has me distracted from allowing myself to believe this is really true, but that is so much a part of it all, and really, that's okay. I just want to try to cherish it all before it is over, and the next chapter begins!

Do I wish that I didn't have to worry about the effect my diabetes will have on my precious child? Of course, but I also know that complications can happen in any pregnancy, and at least I know that I was being watched so closely for any signs of problems. I know that my baby girl will not have an undiagnosed heart problem due to a hole in her heart and I know that if my blood pressure increases even in the slightest, all precautions will be taken to make sure we are both taken care of. I get this extra care because of my diabetes. I have also been able to see her every month since the day she came into existance! I imagine that pregnant women everywhere are constantly concerned that all is well, and I was able to have that extra reassurance.

I think the biggest lesson that I've learned is this: I can do this. I can be healthy, despite my diabetes and despite what others have told me or what they believe my future to be. You know what, I can even be happy. And it really isn't all that hard, in the grand scheme of things. Annoying, yes. Frustrating, all the time! And do I still worry about whether or not I will be able to be the best mother possible to my daughter without my diabetes getting in the way or throwing some horrible complication at me... us? Every day. But I feel like I have been given an amazing opportunity to prove to myself that I can do everything within my power to maintain good control and to keep those complications away to the best of my ability... and that is really all I can do.

Well, here's to one more week down... hoping for at least another 6 weeks to go!

Signs of Pre-Eclampsia

2010-02-04T13:37:00.003-06:00

Gosh, I know I say this every single time, but it is still just crazy... I am 30 weeks. I can't beleive it! Baby girl is doing just fine. At her last u/s the doc said that she was "growing perfectly"... I can't even begin to ask for more than that!! She seems healthy and happy in her cozy (and getting cozier by the day) home. She is moving around regularly and it is just so fun to watch my belly protrude as she attempts to stretch and move. I swear sometimes she just gets to dancing and my entire belly pokes out in a million places at once!! I can't help but giggle constantly at her little acrobatics!

Well, it seems that although she is doing well, my blood pressure is on the rise. When they check it at the Doctor's office it is around 140-150/90... although my home monitor never gives me those high results and usually says I am around 135/85 at the absolute highest (only once or twice). I went to see my ob yesterday and she told me that I have orders to take it easy, not do anything when I get home, and if it gets any higher, I will be placed on bed rest... and then when I got home and check, my bp was 111/76. Go figure!

I am also going to do weekly ultrasounds, 24 hour urines, and HELLP panels to monitor how she is doing and the protein in my urine. My weekly ultrasounds were scheduled to begin at 32 weeks anyway, so we are just starting a week early. The 24 hour urines will be a huge inconvenience, but I'd do them daily if that is what it takes!

My protein has gone up from 305 at 12 weeks, to 550 at around 20 weeks, to 990 at 28 weeks. So, it's on the rise, but I think it is still within an okay range for now, but protein is part of pre-e, so they just want to make sure it doesn't get out of control.

I have only had protein in my urine once with the dip stick in the OB's office, and even then she said she was surprised it hadn't shown up sooner and that it likely was due to something I ate, although I don't know if that even matters since my 24 hours are on the rise.

So... that's my update. Not great news, but not horrible either. Basically, I just do my best to keep my blood pressure down and continue on what I am doing. If I do have to go on bed rest it will kill me only because it will eat up my maternity leave, and I'd much rather spend that time with my precious girl instead of just sitting around, but I'll do what I need to keep her growing and healthy for as long as possible. Hopefully we can at least make it to 36-37 weeks, which is only about 5-6 weeks away! OH MY HOLY COW!! Ooohh, deep breathes, deep breathes ;)

I have a baby shower this weekend, and am required to sit the whole time, but I am very excited for it. Thankfully we did it as early as possible "just in case", since it seems it might have been necessary. I'll keep you all updated! Thank you so much for your comments, thoughts, and prayers. They mean so much to me. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many friends who know the ups and downs of diabetes!!

Oh, and her latest u/s pic... I know it's hard to pic her out, but it is her full face, tilted with her forehead toward the top right, chin toward the bottom left, and you can see both eyes, nose and her Daddy's lips!! :)

Week 29: What an Amazing Journey It's Been

2010-01-27T10:46:00.003-06:00

I can't believe I am here typing that I am in my 29th week of pregnancy. It really still all feels so surreal to me. I feel like I know it is happening, but that I am somehow just watching it happen from a distance or to someone else. It's just incredible :)

I feel her not so gentle kicks and nudges constantly these days and my belly often takes it upon itself to begin moving like a bowl of jello, and I can do nothing but laugh! It's crazy and had no clue that would happen! We are still steadily working on her room, which is at this point easily the nicest in our humble home, but heck, she does deserve the best! It's fun to hang out in her room and think about how before we know it, it really will be HER room.

I am still completely obsessed with registries and continuously try to figure out what I need to prepare myself for our precious girl, but so far, the lists of items have not yet sent me any magic answers. I feel like I am trying to find Waldo among all of the swings and strollers and carseats and bedding and bottles and blankets and bibs. He's definitely gotten pretty darn good at this hiding thing...

On the diabetes front, I am feeling better about resistance this week. It's still there, and it still confuses me, and mostly it still scares me, but it hasn't been quite as bad as it was before. The long list of appointments continues and I saw my endocrinologist this past Monday. My A1C only went up .1 to 5.3; however, I am quite skeptical about this whole accuracy thing because I know that my numbers were not nearly consistent with what they were before. My meter average has gone up from 100 to 120, so I know I am not totally delusional. Kerri over at Six Until Me seems to be having the same doubts... but all I can do is trust all is well.

I also saw my ob last Friday. I think my blood pressure is starting to creep up and I am definitely swelling more, and I had 3+ protein in my urine when they checked... so I was off to do another 24 hour urine. My ob did mention that I probably shouldn't worry and that she honestly expected me to have had protein show up before now, since well, I've always had some protein due to my diabetes. So, when the person called with my results she said the doc said all was well, but I asked her what my protein was so I could pass this info on to my endo and she said 990, but that my ob had said it was stable so it was fine. Last 24 hour in early December showed I had 550, which doesn't seem stable to me! I discussed this with my endo when I went and he said that as long as it isn't around 3000 they probably won't be concerned. But, I can't help but be a tad concerned...

I check my blood pressure at home and it usually doesn't get higher than around 130ish/82ish, with some occasionally a tad higher, but most closer to 125/80. I know pre-eclampsia is more common in people with diabetes and I am honestly thinking about it 24/7, I can't help it. I am not stressed about it necessarily, but I am constantly on the look out for signs. I mean, swelling, I am swelling, but how much is too much? And, sure, I get headaches, but they aren't unbearable... I have a total battle going on with whether what I am going through is normal in someone who is pregnant or if I should be alarmed... Thankfully, the doc appointments will be picking up again soon and so I will no longer have to solely rely on my own judgement on these things... whew!

We get to see our baby girl tomorrow for an u/s, as well, and that always puts me at ease a bit. And don't worry, I've got a long list of questions for the maternal fetal specialist :) Seriously, every single day is an amazing blessing to me and I am just praying those days keep adding up to more weeks for baby girl to get stronger!

Third Trimester: Nesting is in FULL Force!!

2010-01-17T18:40:00.000-06:00

I am so sorry I have been a stranger!! I think I have just become so occupied with just making sure things run smoothly, I haven't taken the time to write about it, since diabetes and doing well is always on my mind... I still look down at this very large belly and question whether it's all real. It is, I know it is, but I was so scared for so long that I would never get to where I am today it's hard to believe. I know I am so blessed and so grateful and just so happy. I cannot wait to meet this precious baby girl!!!

Resistance started hitting hard around week 22... I rarely saw any numbers under 100, although many were close and it was extremely frustrating. I think I've hammered all that out now but it was very difficult at the time. I know it will become hard again, but today is good and I am thankful for that. Regardless, it's all so worth it. I have a strange feeling that this won't be the last time I worry about my baby girl 24 hours a day ;)

I am also in absolute full nesting mode, haha!! I find myself continually trying to nest, but realize that I have nothing left to do until we get closer... Her furniture is all in her room and today we started putting together a closet organizer to add some more storage space. When I can't "nest" around the house, I find myself totally obsessed with my registries for her! I am constantly looking at them to see if I've thought of everything I might need. Suggestions from any Mommies out there on what I NEED, what is nice to have, and those things I should just forget are completely welcome!! This whole 'not knowing what the heck I am doing' is pretty hard!! I keep reading books and trying to be prepared, but they are talking about things I have no experience with and I know it won't make sense until she is here, and that's just how it is supposed to be :) Thankfully, I've been totally obsessed with babies and kids since I was one myself, so I have lots of babysitting experience and experience with newborns, but I know it will not be close to the same... I am just ready to move on to that next chapter!

I am now 28 weeks along and probably have at most 10 weeks to go, and hoping and praying that I make it close to that. So far everything is great, but I know things can change in an instant and I am trying my best to be prepared. But, all in all things are wonderful. I love her little tap dances in my belly and just grin ear to ear when I feel her moving around. It will never get old. I am just so in love with this baby girl and am anxiously awaiting the day I can hold her in my arms!!

Maybe my cell just felt neglected??

2009-12-08T14:32:00.003-06:00

Ahhhh, finally!! After our two week extremely competitive phone tag run, my endo and I finally got it together and I now have my results... I think maybe my cell noticed that "other contraption" that was always attached to me and that I rarley forgot, or left behind, but since I decided to hold my cell firmly on my hip opposite that little square beeping thing, it decided to cooperate and let the doc on through to me... I mean, really, I was about to give up all hope of actually hearing from my endo until I had my next appointment in two weeks anyway, but I really was about to lose my mind playing the waiting game!

So, A1c, still good at 5.3. I know, those numbers still don't make complete sense to me... I mean, I don't know that it can really be possible, but my endo says it is and he's in charge... as far as my test results go, anyway. He again teased me and said it was great, as long as my fingers are holding out okay ;) I never knew endocrinologists could be funny... and nice, even!!! I can definitely get used to this 'no fussing' thing...

Protein is still there... it has slowly increased over the course of my pregnancy and is now at 211 (not sure which measurement this is, but it started at 53 pre-preg, then 163, then 200 last month... I think it's creatine?... I know I should know this, but Mr. Google isn't my friend anyway...). He doesn't seem concerned and we are just keeping an eye on it. I am doing my second tri 24 hour urine now so hopefully that will also come out as stable...

And tah dah, welcome new diagnosis!! My thyroid levels are now at 2.07, which means I need to go on a very low dose of thyroid medication for hypothyroidism or hashimotos. They have also slowly increased (or decreased as thyroid production goes) so we are going to keep a close eye on this as well and I will talk to my ob/gyn this Friday on what this means for Baby Bou and me...

But, overall things are still good, just more things to watch closely. As long as Baby Bou is in there safe and sound, I'm fine... for the most part. Well, okay, I'm nervous lately... maybe even a little freaked out and hypersensitive to things. Here's what happened:

My mom called me on my way to work on Monday after I had a bad case of pregnancy brain and forgot to pick up my 24 hr urine test oh, let me see... three times. Which means I now have to do this during the week instead of comfortably during the weekend, but I'll do whatever it takes... Anyway, Mom apparently thought Mr. Google was HER friend and called me in a bit of a panic when she found preeclampsia out there in cyber space. Now, I haven't hidden any information from her and have told her some common risks associated with diabetes and pregnancy, so I don't know how her search started or why exactly, but she informed me that preeclampsia can start after 20 weeks and is "very serious" (right, because I didn't already know this and somehow needed to be reminded... and maybe even that little thin string I've been grasping to keep me from falling into worried hysterics might need to be snapped... ) So... needless to say I temporarilty thought Mr. Google might be MY friend, too, which only led to me freaking out a bit and worrying like crazy and since then, I have been getting a little more stressed about things, but I'm doing my absolute best to keep my worry wart in check, hard as it may be.

So yea, overall, I am doing well... and Baby Bou says she is, too... as evidenced by her little tip taps as I type this :) I'll keep you updated on any new developments, but I am hopeful that there won't be any!

22 weeks and Counting!!

2009-12-07T09:16:00.002-06:00

Gosh, where has the time gone!?! I feel like it was just yesterday that we found out we are having a precious girl and here it is almost a whole month later! Here are some updates on what has been going on in our growing home:

For the past 5 weeks, I have had a doctor's appointment (or two) every week. Crazy, I know, but it keeps me on track and it keeps me calm, just to know that all is as it should be! One of these included my opthalmologist to check my eyes. In 2002 I had laser surgery for retinopathy, so seeing the eye doctor is always a little scary, especially now that I am pregnant, since pregnancy can cause retinopathy to get worse... but, all was the same as it has been for the past 8 years! I am honestly shocked and almost don't believe the doc when she tells me this each time. I mean, how could that be?! I thought I was going blind when I found out about my retinopathy and even after the laser surgery I wasn't in ideal control... I mean, not even until just this past year has my A1C been under 7... for the first time in my life as a diabetic. All I can say for this is it is never too late... and well, God sure is darn good!!!

Another of these appointments was my endo... who I have now been successfully playing phone tag with for 2 weeks. So, needless to say I don't know what my new A1C is or whether the always present protein in my urine is remaining stable, but if it was bad, he'd make sure to get in touch with me, right?! I'll be seeing him again in 2 weeks anyway, but I am hoping I don't have to wait that long. Cell phone is officially attached to my hip, opposite my pump :)

Then, last week was the maternal-fetal specialist and we had another ultrasound. Good news all around!! She's doing great! Her heart looks wonderful, so do her kidneys and her brain and she is measuring in at around the 40th percentile... which is smaller than average, but we weren't expecting any miracles, since I am 5'2 and her Daddy is around 5'9 (or something like that ;)). It was great to see her again and her Mimsie (my Mom) was able to join us for our little preview! She yawned twice and was busy sucking her little hand almost the entire time... goodness I am in love with that little girl!!

In other news, we painted her room this weekend and picked out some fabric for her bedding, curtains, etc.!! We are just going neutral with paint colors, because we will eventually want to sell the house and don't want to make it to "personalized"... and well, the neutral will look nice. It is called Toasted Almond ;) I'll have to take a picture of the fabric swatches we got. They are basically a deeper pink, brown and green. We also picked up her crib... although it is still in the box until the room is finished being painted.

I can't believe I am putting together a nursery!!! She has also started to kick a lot more, which is such a relief!! I was getting quite impatient! I think it was around the day after Thanksgiving when she started moving around more and she hasn't stopped yet... although on days where I am very busy (like this weekend) I don't feel her quite as much as I do when sitting in my office at work...

So, that's my update! All is well in the Baby Bou household... we are 22 weeks, so officially over the halfway mark and expect to have her around the beginning of April, if all continues to go well!

I hope you are all enjoying this wonderful Christmas season... I can't wait for Santa next year!!!!

Preparing Our 'Nest'

2009-11-19T15:23:00.002-06:00

Things have been going really well. Ever since we've found out we are having a girl, it's been fun to say "she" and know that we will be seeing lots of pink... and probably our fair share of drama in our future ;) We could not be more excited to meet her...although, I still have a pretty long time! I am now in my fifth month (crazy, I know!) and am just about halfway there... which seems like a long time to me!

Brad and I have been trying very hard to start organizing our home in preparation for our new addition and so that is definitely keeping us busy. This whole "nesting" thing is definitely real!!! I've enjoyed cooking more, although I have always enjoyed it, and I am actually getting pretty good about throwing out or donating things that I no longer need... that in itself is pretty remarkable!!

It's actually pretty fun to see the home that was perfect for us as a newly married couple become the first home for our wonderful little family. We've already painted and organized our guest room and next we are moving into our hall and clearing out what is to be the nursery, a.k.a. our junk room/office. YIKES! So, I'll be spending this weekend going through things I have long forgotten existed and the beginnings of preparing little girl's room her arrival!!

Who knew organizing, cleaning, sorting, etc. could be so much fun?!? ;)

Baby Bou is a ....

2009-11-11T10:06:00.002-06:00

Wow, what a whirlwind of a day yesterday was!! Waiting for the appointment was absolute torture, but I had no idea how stressful it would be once we actually got there. It was a big day and we were mostly just two curious parents waiting to find out whether it was a little boy or girl that was changing our lives forever... but they were also checking the baby's development and all of our little one's organs, including kidneys, brain, heart, and the markers for downs syndrome. So needless to say, it was a bit stressful.

They took us in pretty quickly, thank goodness, because I think Brad and I were both about to just bust with excitement!! The u/s tech met us in the room and we got all set up. And there our little baby was, gosh Baby Bou looked so big since our 9w u/s and the baby looked perfect and it was so wonderful to see our precious little gift again.

The first thing the tech asked us was whether we wanted to find out the gender of our cutie pie and of course we both exclaimed that we absolutely did! So, she moved the wand around my belly, got in position, and said, "Well, it looks like it's a GIRL!"

I think the room went silent and Brad and I both just stared at the screen... we are both so very excited and just can't wait to see what great things this little girl will bring us! Thankfully, we did not wait to find out because right after that, she decided to cross her little legs and sit on her hands, just like a proper little lady should! :)

After that we started the rest of the scan and the tech showed us all of her little organs, of course without really letting us know whether they looked good or bad, which was the stressful part... but we enjoyed just watching our precious girl move around. The doctor then came in and checked everything for himself and said from what he can see, she looks good and there is nothing from the ultrasound to worry about and he couldn't see any of the typical markers for Downs Syndrome, but he does want us to come back in 3 weeks from now to get another view of her heart, since she wasn't cooperating to his liking and didn't get all the views he wanted, but from what he could see, all was well! From here on out we will get an ultrasound every 4 weeks to make sure all continues to go well... I am so spoiled ;)

So, that's our news!! Great ultrasound, great day, and we have a wonderful baby girl on the way! Brad has his first date speech already prepared for that first little boy who shows up to our house, and has already contemplated what age is appropriate to start dating... Haha!! Brad is going to be an amazing Daddy :)

So, here she is:

Happy D-Blog Day! All of my fears are shattered...

2009-11-09T15:44:00.003-06:00

I have never felt less like a person with diabetes in my life. I feel like all my dreams are coming true, and that diabetes really has not hindered me in any way whatsoever. All those fears I had, and still have, that I could never be "normal", never accomplish my dreams, never find someone to love me, or the fear that I would never become a Mom... all those fears are shattered, they are gone like the dreams they were supposed to deny me of.

I cannot believe I am here today and I am healthy, so happy, married to a wonderful man, and expecting a precious child. I don't know what is to come and I know that complications and additional struggles will likely come my way, but that's okay. Everyone has struggles, they are just different for each person.

Sure, I am on cloud nine right now because in oh, about 24 hours I have my next ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby, so I'm pumped! And I still know that the anatomy scan may show things that I am not prepared for, but I've done a good job controlling my blood sugars as much as I can... I hope. But for this minute in time, I just want to get lost in the feeling of being a totally normal woman who is expecting a totally normal and healthy child and whose life is about to totally change as we find out whether we are welcoming a son or daughter into this world... a world where anyone's dreams can come true, no matter who tries to quash them with fears of the unknown...

Diabetes has not killed me, it has only made me stronger, and I am such a true believer in that!!

Happy D-Blog Day 2009!!

Anticipation for Tuesday and Baby Bump :)

2009-11-05T13:53:00.001-06:00

This coming Tuesday is a really big day. Not only do we find out the gender of this little one, but we also get the full anatomy scan to make sure Baby Bou is developing as he/she should be. Also, at my last appointment with my OB, they drew my blood for the quad screening, which gives us the chances that the baby will have any neural tube defects, cystic fibrosis, down's syndrome, and I think a few other things.

Everything was negative, except for Down's Syndrome, which showed up positive with the baby's risk at 1:300 of having it. Now, I know that with those chances, there is a 99.6% chance that everything is perfectly fine, but any positive result is scary, so I am even more anxious for this next appointment. I am scared, but I am not stressing over this. I know this test is really not that accurate and people get much higher chances all the time and have healthy babies... and really, there isn't anything I can do about it. They will look for markers of Downs in the ultrasound and we will take it from there. We have decided we do not want an amnio to confirm anything even if the ultrasound shows positive markder because even although the risk is small, I do not want any chance of miscarriage. Anyway, regardless of what the tests say, this baby will be so loved and will be so special to us; all we can do is prepare our home and our lives for a baby with special needs, if we have to... but like I said, I will not worry until we have more information on Tuesday.

Oh, and say hi to our 17w Baby Bou bump... On Tuesday of next week you'll get an up close and personal view of Baby Bou him/herself!

Baby's Heartbeat Still Strong!

2009-10-27T14:20:00.002-05:00

On Friday, I had my monthly appointment with my OB and things are so far so good! I am 16 weeks today and as of Friday, the baby's heartbeat was 150, which is great. I also got my tests back from my endo and he said my A1C is down to 5.5... that's right, folk's FIVE.POINT.FIVE! I am thrilled, elated, shocked and can't believe that I, the born again diabetic who fought so hard against this disease it nearly killed me, now has an A1C of 5.5.

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Anyone can do this... anyone. It doesn't matter if you have to start over, like I did, or if you just need to refocus. You can do what you put your mind to. Now, I am not sure if 5.5 is reasonable or not... I think pregnancy actually reduced blood sugars in the beginning, so that does make it a little easier than if you don't have those crazy hormones going through your body, but set your own, realistic goal, and get at it! You know I am cheering for you and welcome any vents of frustration you need to get out to help get over the hump. My email is this.is.my.sos@gmail.com. I know how good it feels to sometimes just get it all out...

My doctor also told me that she will likely induce me by two weeks or so to my due date, so we'll see how everything goes. I am hoping everything continues to go smoothly, but I am trying to remain realistic. I do have protein in my urine, and have for years, so that definitely is a concern, but like I said, so far, things are great, and I can't ask for a better report than that!

Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and words of advice!! I welcome any comments or suggestions that you have... sometimes, the best way is to learn from others! :)

Ooohh Baby ~ Insulin Resistance is Kicking In

2009-10-21T09:55:00.003-05:00

Just this past weekend I started seeing signs that insulin resistance is starting to show it's ugly head! Things have been so smooth up until now... perfect really. I hadn't seen blood sugars in the 200s in almost two weeks, and before then it was rare. For months, things were so easy...

Yesterday I finished my 15th week and today I begin my 16th week of pregnancy and I can see my blood sugars beginning to creep up... and what I've noticed over the past few days is that those highs are as stubborn as I am. They do NOT like to budge! I do not care for this new development, but thankfully I see my endocrinologist today to see what I need to do.

One major problem is that I am also getting lows...possibly from me trying to fight the highs my just continuing to bolus for them, but nonetheless, they are there. So how do I increase my insulin when I NEED it, but keep it how it is for when my body wants to act all normal and stuff...like my body was ever normal!

For anyone with experience in this baby growing sorta thing :) I have a few questions:
1~when your insulin needs increased, did you start with your basals or your insulin:carb ratios? or both?
2~Did you find that you still had occassional lows due to the inconsistencies going on in your body?
AND
3~From this point on, will it ever be easy again?? I mean, how long did each 'fix' last before you had to readjust again?

I woke up early this morning (yep, it was a low) but I couldn't fall back to sleep, which has been pretty common latley... so, like a total dork in love with her baby, the baby and I just played... for an hour or two... until I had to wake up for real. Haha! Really I just poked and prodded my tummy and tried to see if maybe I could feel movement. I can't, but it was fun and I have a feeling not being able to fall asleep in the middle of the night will no longer be quite so miserable :)

I already love you more

2009-10-14T11:23:00.002-05:00

I find myself staring out into space just grinning... and then I think, is this really true? Do I really have this little baby growing inside me just waiting to meet me and his/her daddy? Could my biggest dream really be coming true, right at this instant? After everything I've done to myself, the poor choices that Imade, and how I made being thin such a high priority over being healthy... for years, for almost my entire life with diabetes... for almost 20 years! How did God pick me to bless this way, and most importantly, can I live up to the responsibility in front of me?

I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know, that I do everything within my power to make sure that I do live up to what God has set out before me. I have come to realize that this power that we all have is quite astonishing, and you truly can do anything you set your mind to. I know, because somehow, I did it. I overcame an illness that is deemed to be one of the most deadly and the most difficult disorder of its kind to fight... no, not diabetes, but eating disorders (I still cringe at the words), although for me, they were intertwined into one big fight.

This doesn't feel real. I know I am going through the motions, and my pants are getting tight, but other than that, life is just going on as normal... normal? I don't even know what that means anymore. How can people go about their day as if this little miracle didn't exist inside me? This little miracle has already brought me such joy and hapiness and excitement and all he/she does is hang out and grow grow grow, and bring random grins of joy from his/her Mommy!

I am still afraid to talk about little Baby Bou, for fear everything might fall apart. I still hesitate to tell people and haven't started my baby journal because I am too afraid to allow myself to truly believe this is real. It's also why I am so afraid to blog about it, even though this truly is where I feel the safest, and I know that no one will tell me "I told you so, I told you it would never happen for you"... but that's what I feel like will happen, with those cutting words coming primarily from myself.

It's terrifying and honestly, I don't know that it will ever go away. I suppose it is true what they all say, your life will never be the same, and I know now that my life will never return to 'normal'. Regardless of what I have put my own body through, I know that life is fragile and it can be taken away at any moment, in just an instant. I don't think I'll ever remove that from my mind; I never do. However, now, I not only have my husband, my family and my friends to worry about, now I have a child and I can only imagine the worry that will come!

Of course, subconsciously I deal with these fears and distractions, but I still find myself just grinning into space, thinking about how truly blessed I am and how happy this time is. I just hope this precious little baby knows that I already love you more.

Goodness, 14 weeks already!

2009-10-12T09:02:00.002-05:00

Where did the last two weeks go?! I can't believe I wil be finished my 14th week tomorrow! It is still so unreal and unbelievable. I still don't feel like it has really set in that I have this precious little baby growing inside me... although, my pants are definitely telling me that this is quite real :)

My blood sugars really have been great. It was as though once I figured it all out in the beginning, things just have been going smoothly. I am not checking quite as often as I did in the beginning, but I am still on top of things... my fingers definitely appreciate it :)

I have 2 weeks until my next endocrinologist and my ob/gyn appointments and then 4 weeks until my next maternal-fetal specialist appointment, when we hopefully find out gender :) I am so anxious for them all. I think my every other week appointments were keeping me comfortable, making this feel so much more real, and they also helped me to know that the clock was actually ticking... but it has been 2 weeks since my last appointment and I am just so anxious for my next! (Never ever have I ever looked forward to doctor's appointments, but I guess things change ;)

I still question myself in my mind every time I go to say the magic works "I'm pregnant" and ask, "could I really be... am I really pregnant!?!" It is the most amazing thing to be able to say and each day is such a miracle. It's a day I never thought would happen and something I've wanted since the time I knew what a baby was!

We live in such amazing times. I mean, a little girl who was diagnosed with diabetes at age 9, who fought it almost to the death until age 25 with A1Cs of 13 and 14 and beyond...and who thought at this point not only would my life and body be in total shambles, but I knew no hope for a family existed... and here I am 14 weeks pregnant with an A1C of 6.0. Sure, I have gadgets galore hooked up to my body, but I love them, they gave me this new life and are helping to make all of my dreams come true!

12 Week Update

2009-09-29T11:13:00.002-05:00

Gosh, I cannot believe I am 12 weeks today! The past couple of months have been an absolute whirlwind. I really never knew I could be this dedicated to my diabetes, ever. It truly is amazing the sacrifices you make when you know that your future child is depending on you making all the right decisions, all the time. I think it was one of my favorite Mommy with Diabetes Bloggers, Laura, who mentioned this same thing in a DiabetesSisters.org post when she was a pregnancy blogger, but she added on that it is a shame we don't value ourselves quite that much regardless of whether we are "with child".

My doctor asked me several weeks ago whether the cravings were making it hard for me, and I honestly told her that I have no cravings other than to make sure everything is perfect for this baby. That's all I want and it is what drives every thought right now.

I look back on where I started almost two years ago and am amazed. I can't help but get emotional (I know, pregnancy hormones!!) and think how much my life has changed. I am happier now than I ever thought possible. I am healthy, and well, and diabetes has not taken over my life... it's just become an important part of my life again but certainly has not taken me over.

I just hope others out there who are struggling know that you can do this, you just have to commit to it, and really really live it. It's hard, but I promise you, it is so worth it!

I'M PREGNANT!!! :)

2009-09-25T13:58:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I know I have been totally missing in action, but there is a reason why!! I am pregnant. Yes, me!! I still can't believe it and I am still so very scared of what is to come, but am also taking in every moment and just loving it!

I will be 12 weeks on September 29th, which just so happens to fall on our 2nd Anniversary :) We found out very early on, at about 4 1/2 weeks, so I was able to make sure that my blood sugars, etc. were as perfect as could possibly be (easier said than done when your body is growing a precious baby ;)). I went to my endo the Tuesday after we found out with an A1C of 6.9 and six weeks later on this past Tuesday, it was all the way down to 6.0! My endo laughs at me each time he sees me because of the number of times I am checking my blood sugar, but my fingers will have to deal with it!

The first two days after I found out, I checked my blood sugar around 25 times each day!!! AND had my CGM in ;) I know, overkill, but like I said, I don't care!

I'd be lying if I said it was easy, especially in the beginning, but it is all so worth it. Every time my blood sugar would creep to 200, I would panic and start to cry and at first, I was having spikes without reason, so it was very difficult and so very stressful, but things have gotten better. I am still in the "going low" phase before the tripling of insulin phase and I am comfortable with how things are.

Anyway, I will definitely write more later, but I wanted to give my big announcement and let you all know that I am still here and I am doing so wonderfully!! I've missed you all and I am happy now that my secret is out!! :)

I know it has been a while...

2009-08-27T13:05:00.003-05:00

I know I haven't been around for a while, but things are going well. The past few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind and I promise to catch everyone up soon!! For now, I just wanted to remind everyone that you can do anything you set your minds to, diabetes related and life related. It's true. Just commit yourself and hold on tight, because it will be a wild ride, but it will be well worth the journey!!

Know that I am thinking about all of my PWD friends out there, even when I am not around :)

Somehow, I've Made It!!

2009-07-16T11:49:00.004-05:00

My meter must be broken ... because I haven't had a blood sugar in the 200s since Saturday! How is that even possible? I mean, I've heard of this happening to other people, but to me?? The girl who didn't check her blood sugar for years at a time, who ate what and when she wanted and didn't bother ever bolusing for it, whose pump was so "off" because changes were made to basal settings randomly and without reason that there could possibly be no way to start fresh and get it right... the girl who thought she'd never make it to her wedding day because her body would never hold out that long...

I know this has only been for the past several days, but I look back at how far I've come and just can't believe it. I did it. I did it. It wasn't easy, and it never will be, but somehow after every set back and frustrating day and after all the time I just wanted to give up again, because not worrying about it was easier than being consumed by this disease, I did it. I made it.

I am at the point of no return. I know now that I can't turn back, I don't want to, I won't allow it to happen. I've made it to the finish line and for the rest of my life I will fight to have my blood sugar under as good control as I can. Now I know that I will have highs, and lows, and everything in between, and my spirit will fade and I'll get discouraged and frustrated... but I won't let myself give up again. I am past that point. I will trip and stumble and will likely fall, but I won't stay down. I know now that I will get back up and fight again.

I just hope that everyone out there who has given up on themself and their life will know that you can do anything you put your mind to. The power doesn't lie in some book, or some class, or in some other person, be it family members, friends or professionals.

You are the only person who can change your life. I know, because I did :~)

No Longer Calm!! Welcome Summer!

2009-06-25T12:41:00.002-05:00

Well, my last post's title mentioned that things were calming down a bit; well things are calm no longer!! Summer is always a time of constant travel and lots of weekends away from home. Last summer we were gone I believe something like every single weekend for over three months and while, thankfully, this summer is not quite that extreme, Brad and I have definitely been quite busy!!

Last weekend we headed for our normal 5 hour drive West, although this trip it took us six, for Brad's 10 year high school reunion. It was so much fun!! He graduated with a class of around 700 and I would say about 100-150 grads attended, which I thought was a tad sad, but with a class that big, I am sure strong ties were hard to come by and people are likely scattered across the country. It was so much fun to meet friends of his that knew him long long ago. It really was a blast! And then it was over and we headed back home.

Unfortunately, Brad's Grandma passed away on Monday, so on Tuesday we made a trip 2 hours back West to be with his family and for her funeral. She was an absolutely incredible woman who loved her family more than anything and she will be greatly missed. It was very nice to visit with everyone and I know that she was so happy to see all of her favorite people together to celebrate her wonderful life. She was also a pretty big fan of LSU baseball, so I know she was cheering in heaven last night ;)

After the game, we headed back East for home so that Brad and I could work today and tomorrow. Our next big trip is this weekend again... headed back 5 hours West and hoping it doesn't take longer. It should be a fun weekend, and it will be great to again spend time with family... but, we then have to come home again to work Monday and Tuesday and then after work Tuesday we are headed BACK West for a 9 hour road trip for our family vacation... whoo! Lots of backtracking and I am getting darn tired of I-10!! But, it is fun and exciting and it is worth it all!!

On the diabetes front, things are going well. I have no complaints and no stories worth telling, which is always good. Today, I started to record my blood sugars, food intake, insulin, etc., which always helps me to stay on track, so if any good stories arise out of that, I'll keep you posted!

I hope your summer is going well. I am just trying to stay out of the heat!

Things have calmed a bit

2009-06-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

Thankfully, things have started to level out again! I swear it was because I blogged about it ;)

The swings haven't been nearly as steep and I feel like when they go up, I can actually get them back down. My CGM settings are lower this time (since my new pump came in, I had to reprogram everything and just made them lower). So, it alerts me when my blood sugar hits 200 and I think maybe that was part of the frustration... Instead of it alerting me when it got to around 215 or 220, it was 200, so I was more aware of it...

Question: How high does your blood sugar go after eating? I know that even though we have come such a long way, things are not yet perfect and of course my blood sugar goes up after I eat...but how high should it go? What's normal? How high should it go when you are pregnant? I mean, should it go into the 200s daily, even if for a mere few minutes? I guess I have a list of things to ask my doctor now. You'd think after having diabetes as long as I have that these questions should not exist...but sometimes it is just reasurring to re-ask them and have them re-answered ;)

Didn't Even Realize I Needed It!!

2009-06-11T15:27:00.002-05:00

A wonderful friend just sent me a quick check in email (Sweet Mama) to see how I was doing since it has been a while since I blogged, and my goodness, it ignited something in me and I just started typing away, which made me realize... why don't you just blog about it?? So, here I am :)

I am doing well. You know, I don't really know how I am doing, but I always have this feeling to always try to say, "I am doing well" and then back it up with enthusiastic happy feelings to show that I actually am doing well, even when I don't really know that I am... like now.

Honestly, I'm frustrated beyond belief. My blood sugars have been up and down and up and up...and for the life of me I don't know why. Even though I know that sometimes there are just fluctuations in blood sugars, I am not convinced that I just am not doing a good job. It's gotta be something I am doing wrong, doesn't it? I am not trying hard enough. I am failing at something. I have to be, or else it would all be working out, right? Let me back up...

Last week I saw two new diabetes educators to help me tweak all of the little things that I needed to make sure my blood sugars were in the best control possible. Well, they went through my pump and goodness, I had some regular high blood sugars. I knew that for about a week, I just couldn't seem to get them down. I mean, even that day my blood sugar was around 250-350 and no matter how much insulin I took, or how little I ate it would not go down!! It just didn't make sense.

Until that night when I got home and was bolusing for the umpteenth time, and the buttons on my pump would not work. I couldn't push them to take my insulin, or do anything at all! So, I called the pump people and got a new one sent over. Then, my pump actually gave me a "button error". You are all very smart people, so I have one question for you: How do you clear a "button error" when the buttons don't work?! (don't worry, I did take the batteries out, but it was pretty humorous at the time ;))

So, I figured, good... this obviously is what has been happening...my pump has slowly been malfunctioning and probably hasn't been giving me all of my basals/boluses and the buttons were the last to go. Yay! I solved the puzzle!

Wrong. Everyday I am in the 200 and 300s and don't know why they go up or how to get them down. Every now and then a low will sneak in, but it is rare and always leads to a high. I even have my CGMS in to help me better track what is going on, but so far, it seems to be unpredicatable.

I am frustrated, confused, concerned and I feel like a failure. I don't know what to do to get it back down or to stay regular or to just make it all work like it had been. What am I doing that is so wrong. I bolus for my food, and I correct when it is high, but it still stays high. I feel nautious and tired and I can feel my highs starting when they get to around 180ish and then I just get panicked because I know how horrible it is for my body and I know I will never get the opportunity to be pregnant if I can't regulate these blood sugars.

I feel like I want to cry everytime it happens, which is just about constantly these days. So, no, I guess I am really not doing that well, at least in regards to my diabetes and blood sugars...and I don't know how I can really do well emotionally otherwise if that's not all in check and when it is constantly on my mind... it's just, no one else understands so why bother getting into it. It's nice to have somewhere to just get it all out and cry about it with people who really understand.

I was hesitant to blog about it because I didn't have a solution, or a story, or a point and I hate to always just vent about my frustrations...but sometimes, that is exactly what I need. It's nice to just put it all out there and not have to hold it in so tightly. You think now my blood sugars will behave??? We'll see :)

Let's Welcome a New Blogger! :)

2009-05-03T13:25:00.003-05:00

I forgot in my last post to introduce one of my great diabetes friends, Laura. She had been blogging on Diabetes Sisters for quite a while, first as their Pregnancy Blogger (she has three beautiful tots), and then as their Type 1 Blogger. Now Laura is the the Blog Manager for Diabetes Sisters and started her own blog, Sweet Mama.

So, welcome Laura, you have already been an amazing inspiration to me, and I am so excited to keep up with where your journey leads!

Ok, does any one else have this side effect when low?!?

2009-05-02T10:12:00.002-05:00

It started about 8 years ago... When my blood sugar would be low, my lips would kind of tingle. I thought it was strange, and since then, it has happened relatively frequently. Then it would progressively get worse... my tongue would get numb, then this past weekend my entire throat went numb!!! It was strange and scary because it was tingling like I was having an allergic reaction, but I knew what it was...

Has this happened to anyone else?! I know I am not that "special" but I've never heard of this before! Does anyone else have any weird low side effects?? I have one more, but I am going to write about it later...heading out the door :)

I also went on another endo appt. and I was pleased. A1c went up only by .2 but I am still in the 7s and that is better than ever for me and my microalbumin went down, but I am not sure by how much. The doc told me I was in a "rut" and got of "fussed" me, but I don't think going from 11 to 9 to 7 (for two checkups) is a rut. I am still doing better than I have ever done, but I know I have to pick it up a step and I will.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Common Mistake When I am Low

2009-04-22T14:34:00.003-05:00

I suppose it is because of the way that a low can make me feel sluggish or tired, especially when I am already asleep, but I often make the mistake of just unplugging my pump when my blood sugar is low and I am sleeping...only to wake up hours later wondering why I need to use the restroom and I have a sweet taste in my mouth!

Then I remember that I was way too lazy to get out of bed to drink juice and I just unplugged. I do this ALL the TIME! It's stupid, and I know I am not going to stay awake long enough to re-plug before I fall asleep again...but I still think that I will, for some odd strange reason.

If I am sleeping, I just do not want to take the time to wake myself up completely, disturb my dog who is peacefully sleeping in her "nest" between my legs, and gulp a juice before falling back to sleep. It still puzzles me to this day why when it happens, I still follow the same stupid behavior, even though in my fully awake and perfect blood sugar state of mind, I know it is so wrong! WHY!?!

New Info on Islet Transplantation

2009-04-16T09:06:00.002-05:00

Everytime I see a new article on Islet Transplantation, I feel this hushed excitement but always just tell myself... "surely not in MY lifetime and in MY life, right?" It seems like just this thing I was always promised and always dreamed of and I admit, I even used it as my crutch as to why I didn't really have to care...because I will one day be cured.

Well, now I know that I can't rely on that crutch as an excuse to NOT care for myself because it may never come for me... but if it does, I sure will be excited!!

The JDRF just sent me this article: News in Islet Transplantation.

The thing that at first discouraged me, and then confused me was the very first sentence: Islet transplantation can be an important therapeutic option for adults with unstable type 1 diabetes-individuals who, despite their best efforts, have wide, unpredictable fluctuations in blood sugar levels.

My first reaction was, well darn!! I know that with close control I can generally keep my blood sugar right where I want it. Sure, it takes a lot of time and effort, but I can do it, so I am certainly not unstable.

Then I thought, but Ah ha!, even when I do dedicate all of my time and effort and energy to controlling this darn disease, I still despite my best efforts have wide, unpredicatble fluctuations in blood sugar levels...

Soooo...that means we ALL qualify, right?! Don't we all of some unpredictable fluctuations that are never explained, no matter how darn hard we try?!

Now, as a disclaimer, I have not yet read the entire article... I stopped at the first line due to the absolute conundrum that statement presented to me, but heck, I think it should give us all a little hope, since, from what I have learned over the past year from all of my diabetes friends...no matter how hard we try, every now and then we will have that unpredictable high or low and that it likely isn't our fault, it is probably just due to some unknown bodily response to some unknown bodily function, and that we don't need to feel blame or guilt or discouragement. We just fix it and move on, and be thankful that we will all qualify for Islet tranplantation :)

The Crazy Girl with the Chocolate Smeared Smile

2009-04-13T13:27:00.004-05:00

Easter. Such a joyous time for Catholics and Christians all around the world as we celebrate the sacrifices that God and Jesus made for us. Jesus DIED for our sins... and I can't even resist one little darn chocolate easter egg, let alone hoarding the whole bag and eating them one by one as my heart aches in a strange way and I feel more sick to my stomach than even nearly satsified!

There is something about Easter and Halloween and all of those delicious candy filled "special"holidays that turn me into this crazed lunatic when it comes to candy and food and what is otherwise known as the "once forbidden fruit". These "special" occassions also just so happen to bring out the most outrageous and uncharacteristic hoarding tendancies I've ever known, while making me feel all alone in my diabetes all over again.

My husband has come to realize, thankfully quite quickly, food means a lot to me: I save my favorite thing for last; if he gets a "treat", I want a "treat"; I want to try everyone's food; he better not eat the last of that whatever without first asking me if it is ok, and the list of crazy food rules go on and on. If any of these rules are broken, something inside of me wants to fly into an incredible hissy fit that would give any 2 or 3 year old a run for their money. Of course, I do hold it in, but for some reason something inside of me just goes off and I get anxious and frustrated and I want to just cry...

Do I blame diabetes, you ask... Well of COURSE I do!! I think because for so long I could not have any type of "special" food or treat that now when I have the opportunity to and for some reason it is taken away from me, I feel like that 9 year old sitting at the birthday party surrounded by friends but feeling all alone while everyone enjoys their cake while I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all...but while all I really want to do is go home so I can have a good cry all alone in my room about all the reasons life isn't fair and why I have to be singled out and why I can't have anything "special"!

Of course, even during those times when it was still not allowed, I would find the hidden candy that my Mom would keep as her "special" treats, and my sister's candy that was full of sugar and I would just eat all that I could eat, without even tasting it. Why? I have absolutely no clue, but I did and it is what I want to do everytime I am faced with all of these yummy temptations.

I know, it sounds crazy!! And worst of all, when it is happening, I FEEL crazy. I know in my adult mind that it is unreasonable and illogical and wrong and I can do what I want without having to go to extremes...that in the world of diabetes today, I AM normal. But those sad memories are so strong and powerful and they have trained the way I think today and I overcompensate by wanted to eat EVERYTHING now that I can. I want to be 'SPECIAL', too!

Of course, most of this is an internal battle, I don't really go around screaming at children to get away from my candy or running through the halls with a mouth full of chocolate and skittles while making really strange noises and waving my hands in the air, but it does tug at my heart everytime someone reaches into MY candy jar and takes a treat for themself. Goodness, if only they knew that the crazy girl with the chocolate smeared smile was just waiting for the right time to pounce! ;) Thankfully, so far this year the body count remains at 0...but those chocolate eggs haven't been nearly so lucky!

Dreading the Workout

2009-04-08T13:48:00.002-05:00

I think what happened this last time to get me off track was the "work out" phenomena. In order to work out, I have to unplug and then deliberately get my blood sugar high enough so that I don't crash during a workout... but this goes completely against everything that I have been working so hard to accomplish!!

I don't WANT my blood sugar to be high and I don't think that I should deliberately make it high so that I can go work out...but if I am going to lose any of this horrible weight I have put on, I HAVE to work out...or I could go back to my old habits and deliberately make my blood sugar high...see the conundrum here? Of course, getting my blood sugar high enough to exercise is not even remotely comparable to what I have done in the past, but it still makes the battle that much more difficult and I worry that I will allow myself to fall back into old patterns if I am falling into the same behavior, even it a very reduced level.

Also, I know that when the time comes and I am pregnant, I can't risk the health of our baby to make my blood sugar high to work out... Even seeing the high number discourages me, and I STILL usually end up going low, unless I am in the 300s or so!! ...so how do you guys do it?!? What are your work out tips?? I just can't seem to figure this out at all...

And really, what is the point of busting my toosh working out if I am only going to take in the same amount of calories in juice, glucose tabs, etc.?? HELP!!

Where have I been?!?

2009-04-06T11:52:00.002-05:00

Wow, seems like I have been very distant lately, and I guess I have. I am not going to lie and say things have been great on the diabetes front, but they haven't been absolutely horrible, either. I haven't been checking like I should, which of course always leads to highs, but I haven't completely given up, either.

A week or so ago, my husband and I went on our late honeymoon cruise. It was a blast!!! Talk about having diabetes issues, though. On excursions, where do I put my pump? Can I leave it in my bag and not worry? How long will I be gone? What if I get low in the middle of our kayak excursion and I don't have my bag because, well, there was no where to put it?! YIKES! Things worked out, but I can't say I was completely relaxed about it all!

I desperately need to just get back on track and stay focused, and how do I do that?!? Well, by coming back here and checking in and reading up on what's been going on in all of my diabetes buddies lives :)

Bittersweet...

2009-02-02T15:06:00.002-06:00

Well, for the first time in my 18 years as a diabetic, my A1C was down to 7.5!! How awesome is that!?! I just want to shout from the rooftops "I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT, AND I DID IT!!!"

The sensors have definitely helped, but I am going to take some credit here, too. I stayed strong, remained dedicated, sucked up the weight gain, and just kept going. Sure, I had bad days, and I had periods where I would slack off, but I always got back on track and I know that next time, it will be even lower :)

However, my microalbumin level was up to 33. Last year it was 9, which was within range (0-18), but now it is up to 33. My doc is out of town, so I have to wait to see what my "plan" will be, but I am trying not to feel too discouraged by it. I am hoping I can still have children, but I am waiting for doctor's orders. I don't want to put myself or my baby at risk...

Talk about a hell of a weekend, though. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, stroke and panic attack all at the same time trying to get in touch with the doctor to get my results this morning. I was so scared!! But, at least now I know and I know I just have to keep fighting hard, just like everyone else :)

Is this the one that will change my life?

2009-01-30T18:09:00.002-06:00

Every three months (or so...), like a good little diabetic, I wake up, put my brave face on and tramp right on over to my endo's office. I sit and wait without trying to fidget too much and maintain a look of calmness and confidence. I go through the routine, tell him about my blood sugars, let him check my feet, and all the usuals, and then I ask him my questions, and leave. I go down to get my blood drawn and urine tested, and head out for the day.

Then I wait. I wait to find out whether this will be the call that changes my life forever. The one where all of those complications I have been warned about my entire life are starting to show their ugly face...or in the case of my eyes, show up again.

The doc usually calls me and misses, so I generally have to call him back, trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is to come. Did his voice in my inbox sound optimistic, disappointed, concerned? Or maybe he is just tired after a long day?

Not only is going to my 3 month check up like getting my report card, but it is also the time I find out whether I will still be able to live my life like a normal, healthy person with diabetes, or whether the complications are starting to take over, changing my world forever. One call, that's all it takes, isn't it?

This might sound somewhat morbid, but after having diabetes for 18 years, isn't that somewhat of a reality? My A1c has never been in the 7 or 8s...for 18 years it is has been flying high around 10 or above. And let me be clear, I don't obsess over it. It is just an awareness that I have. I always try to be prepared for the worst, and I don't want to be surprised, so I always know that this could potentially be the call.

Well, I had my appointment today and he called at 5, I missed it. So, I am going to live this weekend like it might be my last without the reality of severe complications, and try to stop analyzing how his voice might have sounded...

I prayed for YOU

2008-12-29T10:00:00.002-06:00

Just a quick update: I have been doing very very well since my last post, well up until Christmas, that is. For several days my blood sugar was PERFECT. I mean, I couldn't do any better if I had been cured by a miracle from God!! But then, I woke up on Christmas with a fever blister and a horrible cold. I suppose the traveling every single weekend for two months straight caught up to me... Since then, my blood sugars have been absolutely insane. I cannot get them down for anything!! It is quite frustrating, but I know that it is likely due to the cold still in my system :(
Oh well, I am fighting it and doing what I can to get over it and to get back to my wonderful blood sugars!

Christmas day itself was not bad. I really did better than I thought, although, it is always hard to guesstimate and keep track of carbs when there are so many yummy yummy things around. At one point, I stopped and prayed for all of you. For those who were celebrating Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed your day, and stayed on track and for those who didn't celebrate Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed YOUR day, and stayed on track. I thanked God for giving me one of the most wonderful gifts ever: all of YOU and knowing that I am never alone in this struggle. You are always in my prayers and I hope that you also know that you are never alone in your own journey!!

Irrational Fears... or Not??

2008-12-22T09:04:00.003-06:00

Every now and then I go through a phase where I am totally consumed by fear. It doesn't happen very frequently, although maybe it should... I have always gotten out of my crisis mode by telling myself that they were just irrational fears, but I have recently come to the conclusion that they are absolutely not irrational; they are real and they should make me realize that at some point, I've got to stop.

I've got to stop giving up when I am scared, when I get frustrated, when I get angry that it is me dealing with this stupid disease, when I get too lazy to care, when I get so consumed by my weight and "how I look" that I sacrifice my health... where will I draw the line?

I have had diabetes for 18 years now, and for just about 18 years I have not been under good control. I am lucky to be alive, let alone still able to walk, see, etc. I do have some retinopathy and I am on ACE inhibitors, but I don't know if it was preventative or because I had some existing damage. The doctor never really explained it to me and I suppose I have convinced myself that if it was serious, he would have.

I think one thing that seriously overwhelms me is the thought that every single day makes a difference, which in turn means that every bad blood sugar also has an impact, right? Every single one. But I can't prevent every single High... it is impossible and somewhat out of my control unless I do nothing but focus on my diabetes, so I used to get completely overwhelmed and give up. I have recently come to the conclusion that giving up really isn't an option anymore. So what if I get frustrated and angry and upset and ask "why me"... I still have to push forward and get it done. There is no other option. It's the only choice I have...because at some point my fears won't be just something that scares me to death for my future, they will be a harsh reality that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will only get so many chances and so many "warnings".

The fact is this: I have diabetes. I AM a diabetic. I have to use the tools that I have to control it, because that is what diabetics all over the world have to do. I am no exception.

My little crisis modes should have forced me to fight harder, not get scared and give up. I don't understand why I react that way. Giving up does not seem as though it would have been a logical option when I am afraid of the consequences of my neglect of my diabetes, but for 18 years it has been. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that all I can do today is to ensure that whatever damage has been done doesn't get worse. Thinking about the past 18 years won't change them, unfortunately, but every good decision from here on out counts, too, right?

So, lately I have been living in the fear of the rational possibilities of the harm I have caused, of MY own consequences of MY actions, and it hurts, but maybe it is exactly what I need.

Ahhh!! It's SNOWING!!!!

2008-12-11T08:29:00.008-06:00

Ok, some of you might laugh... but I am a Louisiana girl, born and raised and the furthest north I have ever lived is Baton Rouge, which is where I am now and it is seriously snowing!!!

It's amazing and beautiful and oh so rare here in South Louisiana. The last time it snowed was over Christmas four years ago, and then before that I think it was around 1990!!!

So, of course, after I ate a few snowflakes, I had to make my little snowman and take TONS of pictures of my itty bitty courtyard, haha!! It was fun and just reminds me how wonderful God's little surprises are!!

On the diabetes front, things are so-so. My motivation is so low during the holidays. The sugary temptations and the fatty foods and the visiting with so many people always makes it hard for me and sometimes old habits try to pry their way into my life. I resist, but it sure is difficult.

But, today it has snowed in Baton Rouge and so I am having a little fun and thanking God for all the wonderful things in my life! =:~)

Happy Blogiversary To Me!!!

2008-11-28T18:59:00.003-06:00

Well, today marks my one year blogiversary!! I can't believe how far I have come, although I still have a long way to go in my dedication to my health. I am in such a good place, though, and even though things in life are far from perfect, I am so incredibly happy.

Thank you for all of your support over the year and for listening through my struggles, my vents, and my random, off the wall and sometimes nonsense filled blogs that I don't even understand! You inspire me each and every day.

I am blessed beyond comprehension and I know that each day is a blessing. I am still taking things one moment at a time, but the good choices now far outway the bad and I thought I would never be at this place.

If I have one thing to share with others it is that you can do anything you put your mind to. It is all within YOUR control, but no one can do it for you. Stay strong, stay dedicated, and as long as you are moving in the right direction, regardless of the steps back that you take, you will make it. I am living proof!!

=;~)

Tragedies tie us all together.

2008-11-26T14:22:00.002-06:00

Its amazing how when you open up the discussion about the tragedies in our lives, just about everyone has a story to tell. What brought this up was it has been a pretty sad week at work. This past weekend one of our Professors lost his son and three year old grandson in a house fire. Another Professor was diagnosed with lung cancer. She is just over 30, doesn't smoke, and just adopted her second baby from Russia. One of my co-workers' neighbors died from a massive heart attack after being diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. And finally, another co-worker's uncle passed away last weekend.

We were just talking about how we deal with our own tragedies in our lives and our level of understanding when they happened. One co-worker's father passed away when he was 50, which of course was very traumatic for her, her mother and her family. My other co-worker's younger brother died around 3 years ago when he was struck by lightening. He was not holding anything with metal and the storm was still somewhat in the distance. And then my older brother passed away when I was 5, he was 8, from complications from leukemia.

All three of us have had to go through losing people who we love dearly. They wanted to know what level of understanding I had as a 5 year old. The man and little boy who died in the fire had a 5 year old daughter/sister who was also at the house when the fire took her father and brother. I remember odd things, but I rarely think about the details. I am not sure what I understood during that time, but I don't think I know exactly what happened. I still don't really.

I know Mark had leukemia, and a brain tumor, and that the pepto bismol the Dr. prescribed led to internal bleeding, which caused him to slip into a coma. But I could also have that all wrong...

I remember that my sister and I were staying at a family friend's house the day my parents told us and they drove us to our house. On the way we passed a field of yellow wildflowers. Mom and Dad were sitting on our outside swing, but I don't remember what they told us or what happened after that. I remember there were a lot of people at our house; I think even my Mom's family from Florida was already there.

At the funeral, I remember standing outside the building where Mark was, but I never remember being inside. I know my sister threw up in the parking lot, but again, other than that I don't remember anything.

I know that every early March (the anniversary of his death) and every early November (his birthday), I start to get emotional and many times don't know quite why until I stop and think about it. It's happened that way for years. My body won't let me forget, and I am ok with that.

What scares me most is that I know another tragedy will come my way and sometimes it completely pre-occupies my mind. What gives me comfort, though, is knowing that so many others have gone through personal tragedies and deal with the pain, but are ultimately ok and strong, like my Mom. I don't feel like I am strong enough, but I think in the face of tragedy you find strength in hidden places...

A force stronger than gravity...

2008-11-19T13:09:00.004-06:00

Well, I changed my site, and just like Chris said... my blood sugar magically returned to normal immediately!! I had just convinced myself that couldn't be it, because I stayed within a 50 point range no matter what I took, how much or little I ate, or how many times I grrrr'ed like Karen!

I should have known, but sometimes my stubborness over powers me... it's like a force stronger than gravity...

...funny story about that :) ~ when I was little, probably around 10ish, maybe a little older, maybe a little younger, I wrote in my Santa letter that over the past year I had tried really hard to be nice to my little sister, but sometimes it was like "a force stronger than gravity" just MADE me be mean, hahaha! It is a running joke in our family... and it is kinda true ;)

Sometimes that is how my poor diabetes decisions are, too: I just have to eat that 6th donut hole, I just won't stop what I am doing to take a shot of insulin, I just won't stop what I am doing to eat when I am low, I just KNOW it isn't my site that is bad so I won't change it...

And just so you know, folks, the force of gravity is pretty strong and hard to break...

Back on the CGM!! So what's wrong now???

2008-11-18T10:54:00.002-06:00

Well folks, I did it!!! I got back on the CGM!! Yay!! I got back on about a week ago and things had been pretty wonderful for a while... but now?? I cannot for the life of me get my blood sugar below 200. It just stays between 200 and about 250 all day for the past two or three days. No matter what I eat, no matter how much I bolus, it won't go down!!! I just keep taking insulin, but to no avail!! It is so frustrating!!

Tonight I am going to change out my site to see if that will help, but I know I am getting SOME insulin, because it hasn't gone above around 300 (don't worry, I am checking my blood sugar and not only relying on the CGM). Ugh!

Just one of those weeks...

I'm in LOVE!!!

2008-11-07T11:59:00.003-06:00

The cutest little video ever!! I want one of these sweet little babies!! Turn up the volume so you can hear this!

Geaux Tigers!! :)

Step by Step

2008-11-04T10:00:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to give an update on how things were going. I am taking things slow so as not to put too much pressure on myself. I feel like "doing well" is like a fad diet. You get all crazy and into it and then inevitably can't keep it up and give up. That is the cycle I seem to follow. The goal is to increase those gung ho days and decrease the sloppy ones.

I am checking my blood sugar more, which of course ALWAYS helps me to stay on track, but I am not going crazy with it. I check when I get up, for lunch, maybe one additional time in the afternoon, then for supper and bed. I suppose all in all, that is pretty good. The problem, I think, at least one of the many problems ;) is that I have a pretty obsessive personality. When I do well, I go CRAZY about it. I check like every two hours and eat only "good" foods and when my blood sugar is not what it "should" be based on what I have done, I get frustrated and angry. I take it too far...

That is why I am just taking it slow. Eating ok, making sure my blood sugars aren't completely out of whack, but not obsessing about it and trying to maintain my sanity about it. It is actually working. My blood sugars have been pretty great and I have remained calm!

One of the other many problems is that I am somewhat of a control freak, as well. An obsessive control freak... great! So when I do everything right and the numbers are still wrong, it is so easy to just say to heck with it all. I can't do it. I give up.

But I can't give up forever, so I need to just figure out what works best for me. I have to train myself to let the "bad ones" go and move on and I think I am getting better about it. It is impossible to maintain good control at every moment, so I have to stop thinking about it at every moment. I need to worry about it when I check, cover what I eat, and go on with my day. I CANNOT obsess about it. I've gotta learn to let it go.

I'm working on it. Step by step...

P.S. ~ Patti, and everyone else, thank you!! I'd be lying if I didn't say that you all keep ME going... knowing you are there is more powerful than you could ever know.

Today's Goal:

2008-10-27T12:01:00.002-05:00

Get back on that darn CGMS!!!

No, I have not yet done it, and I need to. It is the only thing that ensures I will do what I need... unless I want to be buzzed at and beeped at for hours upon hours. Ugh.

Why is this so hard??

Fallen off the Wagon...

2008-10-14T11:02:00.003-05:00

Well, as some of you may have guessed by my absence, I haven't been the best about my diabetes care lately. Honestly, I think it all stemmed with my latest A1C. I think it was in August. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was about .2 higher than my last, and I had been trying SO hard to do well and keep things under control, but it didn't work. I feel like the goal of getting that number under 7 is impossible. I struggle too much on a daily basis to regularly do well. I mean, I can do well for weeks and weeks, and then for a few days I just stop. I don't check my blood sugar and I eat whatever I want, when I want, without bolusing accordingly.

How do I change that?? When I am motivated, I am so motivated. But when I struggle, I throw it ALL out of the window. I have recently decided that I am what I like to call "passionate" and I am very much a person of extremes. I also think I am very logical, but I have an obsessive personality and I over analyze just about everything. When I am happy, I am very happy and I take in the little things in life, but when I am mad, I get very angry, although it doesn't last very long. When I do well, I am perfect...maybe too perfect to sustain, and when I do poorly, I let everything go. I am obsessive in the sense that when I am doing well, in regards to blood sugar, dieting or exercise, I think about it constantly and don't give myself any slack. I can't stand it when my blood sugar is off for what seems to be no reason at all because it doesn't make sense. I don't like things that I can't control!! I am sure many of you share many of those same frustrations...

Why can't I find a happy medium in all of this. Why can't I do well without fearing that at any second my blood sugar will rise for no reason and I will lose all control over it. Why can't I accept the fact that I will NEVER be perfect in regards to my diabetes...or I guess anything else! I don't like to lose control over things; it scares me.

I am not going to return to deliberately making my blood sugar high, but I don't even want to be in a place where I can just "give up" when the going gets tough. I want to be in that place where there are no excuses and you just do as well as you can and just keep fighting. But how do I get there without feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? Does the frustration ever go away??

The last time I put my sensor in, I must admit, I did a lot better. I didn't let the information overload overwhelm me like I had in the past. I let it guide me and instead of checking my blood sugar 15 times per day, I just let myself trust that the sensor was doing its job and only checked when I needed to. I think if I just keep my sensor in and treating it as a tool to help guide me instead of something that I need to constantly be on top of and to keep checking to make sure my blood sugar is perfect at every second, I will do ok...

I suppose that is my plan. I am just ready to be alright with all of this and accept it for what it is, but I don't feel like this is ever even possible... I'll try to do better checking in on here. I know that always keeps me motivated :~)

How the Story Ends...

2008-10-06T13:56:00.002-05:00

My final post on DiabetesSisters.org's diabulemia column:

http://www.diabetessisters.org/Hot-Topic-Diabulimia/

The Need to Be Prepared

2008-09-24T13:02:00.002-05:00

I learned a few diabetes related lessons with everything that happened for Gustav. Brad and I had planned to go to Texas for Labor Day, but the decision to actually go was not easy. We had no idea what that huge hurricane in the Gulf was going to do, or where it was going to go. We risked being stranded on the interstate for hours, not being able to return home for work or who the heck knows what would have happened. So, the Saturday before Gustav hit, we reluctantly decided to head out.

I decided to bring all of my diabetes related supplies, just in case the electricity in our house went out. I didn't want all of my medical supplies to bake in the potential over 100 heat. So, we very quickly packed up our things and headed out the door. Thank goodness I included all of those supplies!!! We were stranded in Houston until Friday. There was no electricity anywhere in Baton Rouge and there was a 6pm - 6am curfew, so there was no need to rush home to be in the heat; although, we desperately wanted to see what happened to our house.

Finally we decided it was time to go. My family in Houma needed help cleaning up their mess once they were allowed back into the city on Friday, so we headed to the house to check things out. Other than no electricity and a stinking fridge, everything was fine. We then headed straight to Houma to help my parents.

We live in a house that is over 100 years old and surrounded by 19 huge majestic live oaks. The branches down were certainly a sight to see!! The house was fine, thankfully, but the yard was like a jungle! Houma took a direct hit from Gustav and so the city was basically deserted. Like I said, people were not even allowed in until Friday and then they were requested to do a "Look and Leave", although most people didn't heed that advice. Nothing was open in the city. Not one business. No gas stations, no pharmacy, no grocery stores, no hospitals, no medical clinics. The only place to get stuff was the FEMA dropoffs for water and ice.

My next lesson learned was to always keep something on you for a low. After cleaning up the yard a bit, we headed to check out my dad's office. Well that is when I started to feel low. A bit panicked, I tried to see if I had anything in my purse. Nope. I knew my dad had candy and goodies at his office, but I just hoped I could make it there. Of course we did, and it ended up being fine, but I couldn't help but think about what if I got too low before we arrived. NOTHING was open. There was no where to stop; there was no hospital to take me to. Nothing. I must admit I felt a little panicked at the thought, but realistically I knew we would make it to the office in time.

I am sure there were other lessons, but in the craziness of it all I was mainly just trying to keep my sanity and go with the flow. Oh, and I even celebrated my big 18 year D-Day during those few crazy weeks. 18 years. Wow. I really didn't think I'd still be here. :)

Home Sweet Houma and Baton Rouge

2008-09-02T13:28:00.003-05:00

Hi all,

Well, it seems Gustav made a pretty big hit on Houma, where I grew up. Many of you likely saw the church I got married in one month shy of a year ago on the news, with the roof blowing off of the Activity Center and school. I am glad to say that according to a close family friend who drive by, my parents house looks ok. Just a lot of branches down, which is to be expected with 12 large, very old oak trees. It is a huge relief. My parents will not be able to leave my Uncle's house in Thibodaux until Friday, due to a strict curfew set for Terrebonne Parish. Houma seems to be badly wind blown and damaged, but the community there has always come together in the face of disaster and I know they will just pick themselves up and carry on with their lives. For Hurricane Rita, when a lot of the coastal areas flooded, no one heard or saw the destruction, but they didn't need to. Everyone came together, dealt with their loss, and moved on, closer and stronger than ever. It's how it's done in South Louisiana. We are so very thankful that the damage is not worse, as it could have easily been.

Baton Rouge also seems to be very badly damaged. My husband and I had planned to come to Houston for Labor Day weekend, and we reluctantly carried on with our plan. We are thankful that we did now. Who knows what damage was done to our home, but I am sure if anything it was minimal, not more than a broken window, if that. Electricity will likely be out for a few days, so we do not yet know when we will venture home, but we are aiming for later tonight. One nearby Parish said that they will be out of electricity for 4 - 6 weeks!! I just couldn't imagine!

It was so difficult to just watch and pray while I sat comfortably in front of the TV. Of course, you can't really even get the coverage that you want from this far away. It isn't like getting the hard facts from a local channel. The national stations seem to embelish and complain about things that didn't happen. They seem to be visibly upset when the worst didn't strike and excited as they were holding out hope that at any minute destruction would finally come to light. It was disturbing to say the least. Now I hear them complaining that the levees in New Orleans in fact didn't break..."but what would it have taken for them to have cracked??" Who cares. They didn't. It worked. Why are we trying to make a story out of what could have happened if Gustav was a little stronger? Why can't we just focus on the positive?? There is more to our state than New Orleans and what "could have been". Living here, we are all so thankful that things worked out. Governor Jindal did an amazing job and things went the way they should have, yet you will still likely hear a lot of complaints. It makes me so sad.

For once I want to see a story on the majority of people hit by any destructive Hurricane who join together and work hard, rebuild, and carry on instead of the few who are upset that the "government isn't there for them". But you don't hear from those folks because they don't feel the need to advertise their situation. They are strong and hard working, and don't have time to deal with the press. They have work to do.

I guess that is kind of how diabetes is. You can't just sit there and let what will happen happen, as your body deteriorates. You have to take action to help yourself be well. You have to work hard to check your blood sugar and take your insulin and count those carbs. You don't have time to say, oh poor me, look what I have been dealt. You just do it, move on, and become stronger. That's all you can do!

Diabetes is NOT a Death Sentence

2008-08-22T12:47:00.001-05:00

My newest post on DiabetesSisters.org: HERE

Thank you all for making my transition to a Born Again Diabetic so much easier than I ever thought possible! I owe my success to the support of my many new friends in the Diabetes OC!!

The Lowest Point

2008-08-18T13:34:00.002-05:00

Newest column post on DiabetesSisters.org about my experiences and struggles with diabulimia: HERE

Oh what a journey this has been. Honestly, I thought going back "there" would have been a lot more difficult, but I understand that those struggles have made me who I am, and for that, I am thankful. I understand people who have reached the bottom and hopefully I can offer them some sense of support and hope.

Reflections...

2008-08-11T16:21:00.002-05:00

Writing my Diabulimia Column for DiabetesSisters has been hard. It's scary to go back to that place where I was so long ago...but it wasn't really that long ago at all. I wasn't in the depths of it all when I started this journey, but I was certainly not out of it. Looking back on how far I have come is exciting, though. I feel so much hope for my future and that is something that I never ever felt before. I didn't think I had a future and so I certainly didn't waste my time dwelling on it. But that was when I never knew how good life could be. I am truly at that top of the world right now, and I am not just waiting on the day I trip and fall back down to the bottom. It's an amazing feeling.

I have come to realize that I have the power and control to do whatever I want in my life. I am more confident in who I am, more sure of who I want to become, and more excited to see how it all plays out than ever before...and I have the most amazing husband to make that journey with me. I am in love with life right now, and it is great. It is still a little scary sometimes, but I feel ok with that. Looking back at how far I have come has made me realize that nothing can hold me back...unless I let it.

We all hold our futures within our grasps, we just have to take the reins.

Confession of Sins

2008-08-08T11:55:00.001-05:00

My Diabulimia Column, Post #2 on Diabetessisters.org.

Next Endo Checkup

2008-08-05T13:59:00.003-05:00

My next endo appointment is one week from yesterday. I am so nervous!!! While I have been doing exceptionally well over the past several months, I still fear that dreadful number. When my CGM is in, things are perfect, but then I take it out for a week, or most recently for the past several, and I slack off a bit. I hope my slacking over the past several weeks doesn't bring my A1C up dramatically. I am back on the CGM now, but I am still so scared to get my report card. At least in school you had some idea of what your grades would be...sometimes I feel like an A1c is a total crap shoot.

Sigh.

My Story on DiabetesSisters.org

2008-08-04T09:18:00.002-05:00

Well, I suppose I am "going there" and getting the whole story out about my struggles with my diabetes and diabulemia. It's scary and liberating at the same time!

If you're interested, check it out on DiabetesSister's website: http://www.diabetessisters.org/index.php?/content/blogcategory/39/107/

"Diabetes is Weird!"

2008-07-22T11:53:00.002-05:00

Hahaha...this statement couldn't be more true!!! See what Donna, our Type 2 DiabetesSisters blogger has to say about it: Diabetes is Weird. Sometimes it just makes no sense at all!!!

Read the other blogs under BLOG CENTRAL, too. They are full of more women's experiences with diabetes...the kind that always makes me go, "ME TOO, ME TOO!!"

Hope you are all having a happy Tuesday! ...is it really only Tuesday...???

Ugh...one day without my CGMS

2008-07-18T15:21:00.002-05:00

Took out my CGMS yesterday and I get my first high in a week. Figures...blood sugar is 368.

Looking back on being "born again"

2008-07-18T14:42:00.003-05:00

You know, that CGMS sure can be a pain when I have it on... I have to be careful not to pull it, bump it, tug it... I have to keep my pump within range of it and my tubing from looping around it... But those days that I don't wear it I sure miss the ease of just looking down to make sure I am on track.

I know it isn't always accurate, but I am not convinced my meter is all that accurate either. It's the trends I care about. I just feel kind of off and worried when I don't have it on because I don't know what my blood sugar is (around). It is amazing how I am so reliant on it now. Never in my life did I think I could be so focused on my blood sugar. I went from not checking one time for years to becoming worried and stressed if I don't know what it is at every minute of the day. How did that happen??

I must say, I feel good. I feel happy. I feel ALIVE! Last year at this time I was still too weak because of my constant Highs to climb stairs, take a shower, go on vacation or do things with friends. Laughing exhausted me. Smiling for long periods of time drained me. Half of the time I didn't argue with people because I didn't have the energy, certainly not because I didn't have an opinion. I was just there, existing but never really LIVING.

My life has changed in so many ways and not one of them is bad. Not only can I walk up a flight of stairs, but I can hike up mountains. I can dance at every commercial with music without the fear of getting faint; I can laugh for hours and I can smile for days...and I DO. I certainly have the energy to argue my point (poor Brad ;)) and I feel like my options in life are endless.

I feel like I am not only a Born Again Diabetic, but I am Born Again. I have a new life, new hopes, new dreams. The world doesn't scare me like it used to. I can dream about being a Mom without curling into a ball and crying because I know now that it IS possible. I can dream about my children growing up and I can even dream about having grandchildren one day. I feel like I have a life ahead of me, instead of constantly fearing a life of misery and complications.

Let me be honest, I am realistic about my future and I have done some horrible things to my body. For the first time in over 15 years my A1C is under 9 or 10 and I know it has crept up to around 15 and stayed there for at least several years when I was at my lowest point and when I had completely surrendered to my diabulemia, so complications are not out of the realm of possibility, but I am ok with that now. I know I don't have to let that fear debilitate me and I won't. YOU have all shown me what I can do and who I can be. I have proof right here everyday and I am reminded always that we are in control of our lives. I also have a husband who encourages me every day just by being there. We are a team and I feel like I have to keep going because if I fail, I am failing him and our future family. We get to make our own choices, good or bad, and we have to live with the consequences of that. I am prepared to do that.

I can only live for today and tomorrow and I can't change my past. I can only improve the chances for my future and hopefully help others to see that they also have a future ahead of them, they just have to take the opportunity to grab it and hold on tight!

Great Weekend!

2008-07-14T14:03:00.002-05:00

Hi folks,

Everything on the diabetes front is going smoothly (famous last words, eh??). I took a break from my CGMS, as I now do and got back on it Thursday. Since then, things have been wonderful. I still have some insulin basals to work out, but I am recording and keeping track so that the doctor can help me out with it.

I did reduce my morning insulin, though. I was waking at 5 am every morning with a little buzz from my pump telling me to eat. When I say 5 am, I do not mean 4:45 or 5:15, I mean 5, on the dot. Can we say pattern? Patterns are good though; it give me something to work with :)

Virginia was amazing. We had a great time and it was so much fun!! Blood sugars remained relatively stable, which was nice.

I am even making improvement with putting in new sites for my pump. I used to have to make a really loud sqealing noise to do it, but not anymore!! I am sure the neighbors, and my dog, are relieved ;) Although, the CGMS site is a lot different. Until this last one, I had never put one in without it bleeding...one time leading to me to get a little weak in the knees. You'd think I'd be used to it, right? The bleeding would then lead to it not sticking on very well...which is so annoying!! Even when I put the big clear sticky thing over it, it comes off when I exercise or shower, leaving a sticky mess behind. It is more trouble than its worth, which I think is one reason I wait until I put a new CGMS in. (I mean other than the fear of inserting it and the constant focus on my blood sugar 24/7). The minimed one isn't designed very user friendly. The transmitter just dangles off like a loose peice of plastic and it gets tangled in my pump tubing, my clothes and anything else around, and it jiggles when I exercise. Such a pain!! I am open to tips on how to deal with this, though. It makes me so uncomfortable knowing it is hanging on my a loose, tiny peice of sticky tape that is wearing down quickly!!

Well, this last one didn't bleed at all, which has made me happy all week! It is sticking much better and I have really had no issues with it yet, including the fear of losing all of the blood in my body after inserting it (can we say unrealistic fears, here??).

Anyway, I just wanted to check in, say hello, and let you know I am still here, going strong. Brad and I have even started working out at least 2 or 3 days per week!! We took last week off, but are going back today. Things are going very well and I couldn't be more relieved :)

Well, my body is definitely adjusted!!

2008-06-30T15:02:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I had a high blood sugar yesterday (yep, trying on clothes and forgot to reattach the pump). I didn't check, because, well, I still have the fear of seeing that HIGH number on my meter...and knowing that there is proof it existed. And having to explain it to my doctor when I turn it in to them and getting the disapproving look.

Well, it couldn't have been high for more than 3 hours or so, based on the time I detached to the time I felt so ill I thought I was going to throw up. I mean, I felt bad. Deathly ill. How on earth did I live with a blood sugar consistently over 400??? How could I do it. I couldn't manage 2 or 3 hours of it that high without feeling unable to move!!!

So, I am glad to say that my body is adjusted to a good blood sugar level and I am so happy about that. It can now warn me when I am high and low, and that is just fantastic. I must be doing something right :)

In other news, my husband and I leave for Virginia on Thursday to spend the 4th with Brad's family. It should be a fantastic time and I am so excited. But, it will be my first big vacation since getting things under control, so I am afraid I am going to forget something...although, I am pretty much an over packer, so forgetting something seems unlikely ;)

Hope you all have an amazing Fourth of July as well!!! I am so blessed to be in a country where I can get test strips, insulin, a pump and a CGMS to make sure I have the best care possible. Some things are slow in coming, but the struggle isn't nearly what it is for others.

God Bless America!! :)

Wanderings of a Hypoglycemic Mind Revealed

2008-06-24T09:38:00.001-05:00

I know I left a teaser in my last post, but really, it isn’t anything profound. Here is how I think my hypoglycemic brain was linking my “cure” to the events that happened on that day. Remember, we bought a new car. Well, cars take money.

Ahhh, money. Sometimes I wonder how on earth everyone without diabetes could not have millions of dollars to spare. I mean, we survive even with spending large amounts of money on diabetes: supplies, healthy food, gym membership, all that doggone food I have to eat when I am low… but, I digress, a tad.

I have always saved my money. It’s what I do. I save it in case I need it. I save it in case one day that magic cure does pop up. A cure will certainly not come free. Just look how long it took for insurance companies to approve test strips…TEST STRIPS!! One of the most vital parts of our diabetes care is to actually know what our blood sugar is and we cannot do that without those ridiculously expensive little plastic pieces that somehow mysteriously end up all over my house, my car, my office, in my bed…I even found one on the kitchen of my sisters new house that I had only visited once like 3 weeks prior! And now we have the CGMS, which are also so absolutely and amazingly beneficial to our care. These things will end up saving so much money on treating actual complications that could result from NOT having them!!

So my entire life (ok, since I was 9, but it feels like my entire life) I have saved for every birthday, every Christmas, every graduation. People would just laugh when I would tell them I don’t spend my “gift” money. It isn’t for me to spend on clothes or spa days or fun. I am waiting for my cure or, to be honest, treat any complications that arise. I don’t have the luxury of living pay check to pay check. If for some reason I lost my insurance or needed some type of medical care related to my diabetes that was not covered, I want to know that I will be ok. My savings to me is my lifeline. When people say “you only live once” I can only think, “well, I am no worse off not having a new shirt or new jewelry. I do live. I live life to its fullest and I treasure all of those little moments and I allow them to take my breath away. But, you’re right, you do only live once and I want to make sure I live the longest life I can, so when they find that cure that I have been promised since I was diagnosed at 9, I want to be first in line, money in hand.”

Well, we used some more of that money for the car. Heck, it is a necessity and we needed it and we got a GREAT deal. I don’t regret the purchase at all. But parting with money that I have worked so hard to save, with hope that I WILL spend it one day on something that will save all of our lives, is hard. So I think that when my blood sugar was so perfect, even with no insulin on board, at the same moment I was signing that check, it was just weird. And my mind goes crazy places when it is low and groggy and stressed, and so that is what I was thinking all night, as I waited for my blood sugar to creep back up to sanity.

I'd say I'm cured, but then there's that 260 this morning...

2008-06-19T13:40:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a weird and crazy day...in more ways than one. Soo...Brad and I bought a new car. Wow. Never in my life did I ever think we would be the owners of a brand new vehicle. But we are. We got a great deal. A steal, really. We got a 2008 Mazda Tribute. Just the basics, no fluff...but I have so much fluff in my diabetes life right now, simple is just perfect! Brad's car was about to fall apart...and I am pretty sure I mean that literally. So, car shopping we went and landed this deal.

Well, in all of the chaos of the day, that included negotiating with dealers, discussions with my husband, and the plain fear of entering into another huge financial commitment, I forgot to change my insulin cartridge before leaving the house and it ran out at about 12:30. Well, luckily I had my back up insulin pen in my desk and took what I needed for lunch, but that was it. I had no basals at all. I was worried. I just knew I was going to be high for the rest of the afternoon, which also meant grumpy.

Well, around 4ish, I started feeling jittery. I thought that I could be low, but instead of checking my blood sugar I just took a few sips of some real coke and passed it off as nerves. I should have been checking anyway since I needed to keep a close eye on my numbers to make sure they didn't go high, but well, I didn't.

So I headed home to take care of some things at 4:30. Well...my husband called as I turned into our carport and said to meet him at the dealership (which by the way, is what I wanted to do initially anyway and I was furious that I now had to drive back through 5 o'clock traffic to meet him after he convinced ME it was best to go home...) So in my fit of anger I just turned right around...forgetting all about my insulin.

I could only imagine what stress, anger, and having absolutely no insulin in my system was doing to my blood sugar, but I decided to just go on with the plan and go to the dealership to at least look at the Tribute. We liked it, we wanted it, we sat down to talk. And talk we did...forever!

I started getting jittery again at about 7:30. I knew I just had to check to see where I stood, terrified I would see a ginormous number on the little screen. 64. What?!?! I checked again. 62. I mean, I know I hadn't eaten, but I am getting NO basals, and already had some coke. I had no insulin since 12:30. And the stress alone should have spiked it. I drank an entire Dr. Pepper and was 140. Now I was really scared about it spiking with nothing to bring it down.

Got home at around 9 with our new black beauty, and ate a sandwich without taking any insulin. At 10 pm it was 174. That is when I finally changed my insulin cartridge. I swore I was cured. I just knew it. I had to be!! I went to bed happy...although dreams about getting an extra $200 off the car kept me restless. Oh joy!

At 5 am I woke up sweaty and my mind was racing...I needed sugar, and fast. I had honey next to my bed and took a few big gulps (ugh, so gross!). My husband woke up and asked me to check my blood sugar (such a great guy!!). It was 44. After all of that and it was still 44. Maybe my body was just so happy to be cured it was producing insulin overtime! That is nice, but it needed to stop. Brad got me some juice and I finally settled down.

Well, at 9 it was 260. I am not cured. But I am happy to have a new vehicle and to be back on my sensor. Good enough for now! Why do I feel like this is double deja vu? I think I may have been cured before =:~)

And I'll elaborate further on the link between a new car and a cure that I came up during my 5 a.m. low next time...oh how the sleepy hypoglycemic mind rambles.

Just Keep On Keeping On

2008-06-13T10:18:00.002-05:00

Not much to report on this end. I am taking it easy and just doing what needs to be done. It's been good. I haven't been overly obsessed with my diabetes and things have been running smoothly. I should probably check a tad more, but when I do check, it is all generally good.

I do have a little bit of very exciting news to report, though. Yesterday, when I went to workout, my blood sugar didn't go low!! How awesome is that?!? I ate and didn't take anything. Before exercise it was around 230. I then checked about halfway through and it was 177. I took my pump out then (since I forgot to when I started) and then checked about 15 minutes later and it was 122. Perfect! I figured I should stop before I dropped it too much, since I figured it was still falling a tad. I actually forgot to put my pump back in and when I checked it about an hour or so later, it was 180. Success!! It was a huge relief to have finally DONE IT!

The day before, I had started out similarly. Started at around 260, took out my pump, exercised and then within one minute on the same meter got blood sugars of 450, 350 and 400. I am not so sure about the accuracy of my UltraLink, but I figured I could at least trust that my blood sugar was HIGH. I am sure this will happen again, as well as lows, but there just isn't much I can really really do about it except keep working and tweaking and playing with my body and how it reacts to things.

Hey, no one can say my life isn't exciting and full of puzzles!! I always did love a good mystery ;)

I've Figured It Out!

2008-06-10T12:25:00.002-05:00

Well, the good news is that everything that I was going through, the ups, the downs, and the highs and the lows are apparently all just plain normal. I've come to realize that even though my blood sugar may not be perfect 100% of the time does not mean that I am doing something wrong. It means I correct the blood sugar and move on. That's it. I don't need to judge myself or my effort or feel as though this is impossible. Sometimes, the impossible is ok. It's just how it is.

The bad news is that everyone out there gets just as frustrated as I do, and I am certainly sorry for that. It sucks. It is so scary to be managing an impossible thing (I don't like the word disease) that has so much control over your health and your life and your well being and your entire future. But, all we can do is what we can do.

I got frustrated with it all. I took out my sensor and I tried to just give up. But I can't do that now. Giving up for me is just another impossibility in my life. It used to be so easy, but now I honestly just cannot do it. Each time the thought crosses my mind, I see a little baby somewhere and know that I can't. Every time I try to just not care, I see a picture of my husband and mself and know that it just isn't going to work.

I think taking out the sensor was a good thing. Having the sensor in gave me a new meaning to diabetes 24/7. It was too much. I think I just need to use them in phases. Do my 6 days and then take a few days off, for my sanity's sake! It was a good thing to have it. I really absolutely love it, but having some freedom from my diabetes is good too.

We may not have a cure for diabetes in the sense that it all just goes away, but all I can do is utilize the amazing things that we DO have to make sure that my body stays healthy. I need to just suck it up and do it. Stop thinking the negative thoughts all the time and just know that I just have to do it. I have no argument against that. None of the negative thinking and judgmental thoughts or getting frustrated about my weight helps or works or does any good at all, so why waste my precious time dealing with it. There is no point. (although, I know this is easier said than done. My constant negative internal dialogue has been running for 20 years now, I don't expect it to stop immediately, but it is a goal I tend to work toward!)

I am going to try my best to just change the way I think about things. When I get frustrated, I am just going to tell myself that it is ok to not be perfect. I am not perfect, but it is within my own power to do the things I want, to accomplish the goals that I have for myself and to be who I want to be. Life doesn't happen to us. We are in charge of our own destiny. Things may certainly go wrong and there will always be hard times in life and in diabetes, but the way we respond to those things is within our own control and all we can do is strive to make the right decisions. We've just got to do the best that we can.

Thanks for all of your comments and support that has helped me to come to this realization. I know I am not the only one who gets frustrated, and it is nice to feel like a normal person with diabetes. It has honestly been a long time!

What is the deal, here?

2008-06-05T13:40:00.002-05:00

Ok, after having tremendous lows over the past week or so, I now cannot seem to be able to get my blood sugar under 200. Well, except when it randomly shoots extremely low and then shoots way back up again. This morning I woke with a 39 after being high ALL day yesterday, and then two hours later was almost to 300 and it is still lingering around 180ish (I know, not horrible, but why isn't my insulin working!!). I have changed nothing about my diet or my insulin. All I did was add in a little exercise.

I am so frustrated and am not having a very good diabetes week. The first 4 or 5 days on my CGMS, I was overjoyed and excited. I would flatline at around 100 and stay there just about all day. Now this week, I flatline around 200 and cannot get it down for anything.

Now that I am actually paying attention to my diabetes, I am realizing how truly confusing and complicated it all is. I hope I can keep this up for, for, well forever. Ugh.

Diabetes Just Plain Sucks!

2008-06-04T11:37:00.002-05:00

I know, I know...we all know this. I suppose that since the time I became "born again" I have tried to stay very optimistic, although I am sure it hasn't always seemed that way...but internally, I have.

I guess I hit a lull yesterday. I am trying to get back on track exercising, but what is really the point?? I eat well all day and then attempt to exercise and my bloodsugar drops so low that I have to eat a hamburgers worth of calories just to get it back to a level where I can actually function. I am still playing with how exercise, food and everything else works in my body, but it is SO frustrating! I feel like I should know this since I have had diabetes for 17 years, but I have to keep reminding myself of that big 15 year break that I took...

For example: Yesterday I woke up at 40-something, had a low around 4ish and then for supper I was 178 and I ate and took no insulin for supper and then went to exercise: 52, then 42...AND I woke up low again this morning. I think I had about 3 juices (400 calories) , 8 glucose tabs (120 calories), 7 hard candies (140 calories) and a banana (100 calories) to equal a whopping 760 extra calories!! Ugh, now that is depressing.

I think my body is really finally adjusting to having really great blood sugars and so I need to adjust my basals to make sure I don't get all of these lows, but then I am afraid I will get the highs. And to me, the highs are worse! I absolutely love my CGMS, although it has really really brought out the perfectionist in me, as I kind of knew that it would. So when I see that blood sugar creaping up, I react to it, even when maybe I should just let it all stabilize on its own. I would rather have lows than highs, because well, we are aiming for a LOWER A1c, right?? (of course yesterday I didn't have my CGMS connected because my 6 days was up and well, I was delaying having to inject that ginormous needle into my stomach). If you give me numbers and goals, I just go crazy with them and try to make sure it happens, especially now that I can pretty much keep track of where my blood sugar is all day long.

I just became overwhelmed after we got back from the gym because it seems like I try so hard to do the right thing and it just doesn't work out. I know the low didn't help my attitude, but it was my first real "diabetes just plain sucks" funk. Goodness, it really really does. To have to monitor and track everything you eat all day long, as well as every bit of activity you do, as well as stress, the weather and the changes of the moon just for plain survival can become a pretty daunting task, if I do say so myself! It is overwhelming and not so fun. But you all know that one...

Also, as I told you earlier, I got my CareLink USB to download my info...well, I don't think the software works with Vista. Talk about disappointing!!! I tried to download it like 6 times AFTER I knew it wouldnt' work, haha! I thought it might eventually just feel sorry for me and decide it would work just for me. So far that hasn't worked, though...

Today I am back on the CGMS, and my blood sugar has gone from 52 this morning, to almost 300 and hopefully it is on its way back down now...however slowly as it may be traveling... I'll just have to make sure that I eat more before working out so I don't have to eat so much AFTER!

It is a work in progress, but isn't it always...

Day 3 on the CGMS

2008-05-30T16:24:00.003-05:00

Ok, I must admit, I really like it. My problem has not been lows, but has been highs, and even when the CGMS is off (which it sometimes is) I know which direction my BS is headed in, which is really really cool.

I am going to admit though, that my favorite part of this thing is the cool patterns...well, much to my absolute surprise (and delight) my pattern for most of yesterday was a straight line around the 100 mark!! How COOL is that?!?! I didn't know that was possible!! I mean, I didn't have many carbs, so there wasn't much to fluctuate it, but I honestly think that one of my biggest problems with my control has been that I am so unsure of what I am doing! I know, I know, sometimes it feels like none of us really know what we are doing, but that has really been a big obstacle for me. Some of my internal questions have been:

If I eat, is it getting really really high and then going back down or am I really doing the right thing??

At night, is it stable, or all over the place, how can I really know for sure?

What happens after I eat that gob of sugar for my low? Does it go up to where it is supposed to and stay, or is it really high and then comes back down?

Do I really need to change my sites every 3 days? I mean, does it really make a difference in my blood sugar?

and the list goes on. But now I KNOW what happens, and I must say I am doing a pretty good job! I know that this will definitely help to keep me on track and do what I need to do! Yay for technology, even ones that include seemingly really long needles! =:~)

Also, I have been very excited to get my carelink USB so that I can download everything and SEE it! How cool. So, it came yesterday!! Whoo hooo!!! I was so pumped...well, except for the fact that our cable was randomly out and I didnt' have internet access to download the software! Ugh!! I have been very impatient today waiting to go home to do it! Then I can show you how my numbers are! yay!!

Oh, and please send out a warm welcome to Brad (my fantastic husband) who commented on my last blog and who I hope will contribute constantly and help to keep me in line. =:~)

Officially CGMing AND "sighting my toosh"!!!

2008-05-28T11:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I accomplished two HUGE goals yesterday!! One, I got hooked up to my CGMS, and two, I put a site in my toosh!! Yay!

CGMS
Ok, I am so excited! As of right now, after 13 hours on my Minimed CGMS, I love it! Last night at 5:30, the trainer from MiniMed came over to my house to get me set up. Ms. MiniMedwas extremely nice and very helpful! I even learned a few more pump tricks! After going through all of the details on how it works and how I have to set up, we got started with putting the sensor in.

I am not going to lie, I had been looking at that big long huge needle since she arrived...ok, since before that and I was pretty terrified of sticking it into my stomach fat. Memories of my first time using my QuickSerter came flying back, except this needle is twice as long and seems to be twice as thick!! Oh the pressure was on...I just didn't think I could do it.

I loaded it up into the trigger thing and was all ready, or was I?? No way was I going to push that little white button that would result in this huge thing flying into my stomach that resembled nothing other than jumping off a fence and landing on a nail!! Ok, ok. I held it in place, made the very loud groaning noise that has become a necessity for each site change and click. Once again, not so bad!

But, I did bleed and I think the words "a lot" came out of Ms. MiniMed's mouth...eek! Why do I feel like I am going to be completely drained of all of my blood if I bleed anywhere other than my finger tips?? Is it just me? But it was fine and it stopped bleeding and everything is working fantastically.

Sure, it isn't completely accurate, but I don't think it has been off by more than around 40 points yet, so that is pretty good for me. Although, I haven't eaten a huge meal quite yet. Oh, and have I mentioned that the charts are totally cool!! So I am very excited to have my new little addition!! I know it will help me to stay on track, too, which is extremely important!

New Site Spot
While Ms. MiniMed was there, I mentioned that I ONLY put my sites in my tummy. Well, apparently that was taken as a challenge for me to explore new options!!! So, for the very first time in my life, I have a site in my toosh...and yep, I am converted!!! No more white circles all over my stomach and no more in the way sites!! Yay!!

So, all in all, yesterday was a very good day! My birthday weekend (now week??) was better than I ever thought it would be!

Update, funny story, and I am nervous!!

2008-05-27T13:31:00.002-05:00

Ok, I know it has been a week since I blogged, which is kind of a long time for this blabber mouth!! I am doing ok...I haven't been checking nearly as regularly as before my doc's appointment. I don't know what it is, but I hope to figure it out soon.

I had a fantastic birthday weekend. My husband was away on a guys trip, although he did surprise me with a pedicure and massage on Friday afternoon!! I honestly had no idea he could be that sneaky! It was completely delightful! But I was kind of feeling sorry for myself about spending my weekend alone UNTIL my Daddy called me on Saturday and asked me to drive to my hometown (about an hour and a half away) for dinner and then fishing and crabbing Sunday morning! I HAD to accept!! Since before law school it has been rare that I have been able to spend some good quality time with my family, especially my good ole' Pops. It was so much fun and I really really enjoyed my birthday!! Yay!

I think I am just not checking because I don't want to think about it all. That is usually what happens. I'll be ok; I am still somewhat staying on track and I know that tonight will change all of that when I get my CGMS!! I am so scared. I don't know how I feel about it.

First, the needle thing looks REALLY long, which just terrifies me!! Second, I know sometimes they just beep and go off a lot at first. I am sure this is going to happen since I am not sure about my basals and my boluses. The most important thing will be for me to remember to write down exactly everything that I eat and any exercise I do. That way we CAN figure it all out.

I just don't feel quite ready for this huge step. I guess I am just afraid I will fail. But, just like my pump breaking...sometimes I just need to be thrown into things to get started. I hope this is exactly what I need to get motivated again, and I am certainly sure that it is...I am just scared.

and I am sorry...I can't remember the funny story I was going to share...I'll post later if it comes to me!!

Getting my CGMS! Finally!

2008-05-26T14:35:00.002-05:00

Well folks, tomorrow seems to be the day that I finally get to get hooked up to my CGMS! I have a Minimed rep coming tomorrow after work to get it all set up. I will admit, I am SOO nervous. I haven't even figured out whether my basals and my insulin to carb ratios are correct, yet... Although, I suppose this will definitely help me to figure it all out.

I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow

=:~)

Update and Funny Story

2008-05-19T09:27:00.003-05:00

Well, I am doing better today. This weekend was hard, but I made it... It is just one of many many hard weekends, so making it through the first is definitely good.

I am determined to stay on track, and I will. I have been through hard times before and I know that this WILL make me stronger.

One funny thing that happened before we left: My husband somehow poked himself in the thumb with a fork while doing dishes (yes, he is amazing!). Of course my first reactions was "oh, do you want to check your blood sugar!?!"

Why is it that if a finger is bleeding, it must be used to check one's blood sugar?? Haha! He did, it was 87...I was jealous.

Our crazy diabetes obsessed minds; but, it can't be any other way, can it? I don't mind so much...

Hope you are all well and of course, thank you for being the amazing support that you are!

Moment of Weakness...

2008-05-17T00:28:00.002-05:00

I don't know why I consider it a moment of weakness when I actually admit to my faults, but I do. I'll first admit that summer is a huge trigger for me. Since I have revealed my true struggles with my diabetes control, I haven't been back to that topic. But it's late, and I'm actually a little scared and I am very exhausted due to lack of sleep, so what the heck. Revealing my true feelings is what this blog is all about, right? Well I revealed my truth here and I haven't been back since.

I suppose I should just admit that I am struggling, big time. I need to admit that I put a space in diabulemia so that my blog wouldn't show up if searched and I tried everything to hide my identity from what I really am, but what is the point. I am doing no good to myself or any other if I just hide. The truth will set you free, right? Well, I am not really looking for help, although, I have certainly found it anyway...but my true purpose in all of this was to hopefully help others who may be going through the same thing. I want them to know that they deserve so much more than the life that I have put myself through.

I recently had my a1c tested. 8.4, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me... It is the first time since the year after I was diagnosed that it has been that low. That was 16 years ago!!!! My diabulemia started early. I was quick in figuring it all out. Like I have previously said, I don't know how or why I did it, and I don't know how to prevent it in others, but I was a ten year old extremely thin girl, who paid attention to all of the "eating disorder" movies shown to me to "warn me of the dangers". Although, I aimed to learn, not prevent. I took in everything I could and then soon figured out my own "quick fix". I don't know why it happened and I don't know how I could have prevented it. It was easy then. I was diagnosed at 9, and even though I was likely still underweight, I began to think I was fat at age 10. Looking at pictures just terrifies me. How could I think that my underweight prepubescent body was so fat?!?!?! I was "too smart for her own good" as one doctor said... I would call it foolish, stupid, and in desperate need of help, but no body understood it all then.

I guess that isn't the issue I am writing about now, but I want to go back so that others understand that I have no advice to offer. I don't know that anything could have saved me. There were no warning signs...I made sure of it. My ultimate goal in life is to prevent this pain in others, but I don't even know how.

Today I am concerned because this is my first summer "well". Summer and "well" just don't fit in the same sentence. Heck, I haven't tried to maintain my control since I was diagnosed. I don't know how. I never expected this journey to even as easy as it has been, The support I have received has been unbeleivable, and I certainly didn't expect it when I started my journey. But, I received it nonetheless and it has kept me strong. I should have known that at some point I would grow weak and begin to really struggle, I just thought it would have been a lot sooner than this. I am so thankful that it wasn't.

I am still coming to grips that there is an actual term for what I struggle with...diabulemia. I will admit that diabulemia is the extent of it...there was no pre-existing eating disorder, and I can't starve myself or force myself to throwup for the life of me. Diabetes is the only way I attempt to act it all out.

My triggers are holidays, family gatherings, reunions with people I haven't seen in a while, summer, the beach, and now, both my parents and my husband's parents have a pool, even that is enough to send me spiraling out of control... My newest trigger is the family pool and seeing just about everyone on one side of the family that I haven't seen since I dedicated myself to being well. I have gained 15 pounds, if not more, since I have seen this side of the family. It will be very noticable...although likely more to me than anyone else, but does that really matter. I am the one struggling, so if I notice, it is as if the entire world is staring at me. It is all hitting me at once...before it was gradual, but nothing fits me now, and I refuse to buy new clothes because this weight HAS to come off. I won't make it if it doesn't.

I suppose this summer will be a true test of my dedication to my health, but when I know that people talk so much about weight, and when I received so many compliments from "looking so great at my wedding" and now to gaining 20 pounds on my pretty small 5'2 frame, it is hard. No one except me knows WHY I gained the weight, and I feel the need to explain...except I can't tell them why I was so uncontrolled to begin with...

So, I guess I am going through my first very VERY difficult struggle as a recovering diabulimic who is desperately trying to regain some control in her life. I know I have to fight it, but I am taking every opportunity to not. I will admit, it has been a long time since I have checked my blood sugar, probably three days or so...

I am so afraid to have let everyone down, but I am proud for admitting it. I am sure as soon as I post this, I will take all the required insulin to get right back on track...it is what I know I need to do. and knowing that you all know, makes me feel as though I have no other choice.

I knew this first true struggle was coming, and I am glad that I can at least admit to it, so that I can then move on... i am so scared, but survival it #1 at the moment, well, right behind preparing my body for little babies... That is enough to motivate me to do anything!!

Thanks for being there. If honesty is key, then you are the lock that needs the key to open it.

How Weird Am I?

2008-05-16T16:27:00.003-05:00

I must really be hitting the big time in the world of blogging! I was tagged with my first meme, haha!! Thanks Jillian (P.S. - You constantly amaze me)!!

Ok, here are the rules: After you are tagged, you write a blog about 10 strange, odd and unknown facts, habits or goals about yourself. After you are done, you pick 6 new people to tag and list their names, why you tagged them, and then leave a message for them saying that you have tagged them and they need to read your blog! You can't tag the person who tagged you, that would be cheating! But let that person know that you have posted your blog so that they can read all of your fun little tidbits!

1) I dissect my food. For example: pizza. First I eat the toppings, then the cheese, and then try to eat the sauce off. Next I peel the dough from the crust. I eat the crust first, unless I am full and then I will just throw it away. Then I eat my yummy gooey dough. Delicious!

2) I save my favorites for last...I discussed this in my Memories from my diagnosis post, as well. But yes, this is why the dough of the pizza is saved for last!

3) I LOVE to sing and dance. I have been laughed at because I will sing and dance to the radio in stores, come up with dance moves in the car and even sing and dance to commercials! It makes me extremely happy to crank up the music in my car and just sing my heart out...it is also fun while cleaning. I just can't help it! It is a power stronger than myself.

4) I spent three years in law school, passed the bar, and was sworn in as an attorney and have absolutely no desire to ever practice law, and I won't. I am an attorney in name only. I believe that being happy is so much more important than being stuck doing something that you don't love, regardless of the pay. Follow your heart and you will never be steered in the wrong direction. You may encounter bumps in the road, but there are bumps in EVERY road. =:~)

5) I chew on the insides of my cheeks. It started when I was nervous, but now it has become much more consistent; I think it became a true habit rather than a nervous habit during law school...since my nerves were constantly frayed! I've done it since I was little. I remember dance recitals where my Mom would tell me that the whole time I danced my mouth was contorted into a strange face with my lips pushed to one side as I chewed. I do it to this day...the inside of my mouth was completely raw for the bar exam!!

6) I play out random and bizarre scenarios in my head constantly. I am always acting out a made-up conversation or rehearsing a resolution to something that is bothering me. My husband says that I would be awesome in a courtroom, especially for direct examination of witnesses, because my arguments are always logical and I can always "get him", but that is because by the time I actually get to the REAL discussion, I have played it out a million times and perfected it. If he says something I wasn't prepared for then my brain turns to mush and I can't comprehend anything.

7) I am extremely logical and analyze everything and everyone. There is a logical explanation for everything (well except what causes Type 1 diabetes and cancer, of course). BUT I also think that people should listen to their hearts more. There is a constant battle between what logically makes sense and what makes sense inside. It is all about balance but the heart should always win.

8) I love to people watch and to get to know new people. People are the way they are for a reason and I love to analyze all of the possibilities. I used to work in a psych ward and it is just so interesting to see how different people react to the same thing. Schitzophrenia and multiple personalities amaze me because they are so illogical. Our brains are so amazing.

9) I love algebra. Finding x just makes me beyond happy. It is so much FUN!!! I also love balancing my checkbook...well, when I used a checkbook!

10) I hate naps. I wake up grumpy, groggy and confused. It is not a good thing...

Ok, that was really hard...probably because I am too logical and tried to analyze things too much. I'll throw another one in for fun, but only because you have all more than likely already realized this: I am VERY long winded!! haha!! An explanation has to come with everything =:~)

I tag: I forgot to add WHY!! Ooops!

Rachel - Because I think she is an amazing woman and I love to read about her story...I may be going through the same journey as she is someday and just knowing she is there makes me feel stronger.

Bethany - Because I think we resemble each other in so so many ways and it is so comforting to know that she understands. I am eager to find out about those little oddities about her that make her uniquely Bethany!

Brandy - Because she has created an amazing place for women with diabetes to go and talk about those things that affect only us as women. It is another place where I can let my insecurities go and feel completely welcomed. I know that she works SO hard, but I'd love to find out more about the person behind the action.

Laura - Because she has Type 1 diabetes and is pregnant with her THIRD baby!! I want to find out what makes this amazing woman tick...and well, I hope to BE her one day!

Windy - Because she has amazing advice about diabetes, being domestic AND being a diva!! I LOVE it!!

Kathryn - Because I am enthralled by her cooking, her gardening, and about learning more about her. She seems to be on the adventure of a lifetime and knows how to ensure that her life is full of the important things!

Yay!! Enjoy! =:~)

Headed in the Right Direction!!

2008-05-13T17:10:00.002-05:00

Well, the doc just called with my A1C results. Let me just remind you that my last A1C in December of 2007 was 11.1, which was a little down from a year before at 11.3, which was way down than the past few years, when I didn't even get them tested and when I did were swimming around 15% and above.

So, now, in May of 2008, my A1c dropped nearly 3 points to 8.4%

I am proud. I still have a lot of work to do and it isn't nearly good enough, but I lowered it 3 POINTS and I know I still have so much work to do and some changes to make with my basals and my ratios, I just need a good CDE who will actually work with me.

I am encouraged, SO encouraged. I went from being terrified to take my insulin for fear of gaining weight, to just making the change and sucking it up and I am doing so much better. The weight frustrates me, and I do get down about it a LOT, but I am fighting it, and it looks like I am winning!! Yay!

Hopefully next time I can get it down another 3 points...ok, that might be pushing it, but at least another 2!!

I am living proof, that we can do anything we put our minds to. There was a time not that long ago where I would have sworn I had no life ahead of me, no future. I thought I was doomed to a life of illness, pain, and complications. Soon after I joined the Diabetes OC, someone told me that "Diabetes is not a death sentence" and they were so right. It is so far from it. It is manageable and it can be dealt with. It is just another part of LIFE, not death.

ANYONE can do this, you can change their life around and be well. Don't suffer through feeling sick and scared and alone. TOGETHER we can all fight this!! I am here to help if you need it! this.is.my.sos@gmail.com - just send me a note and we can make it together!

Memories from my Diagnosis

2008-05-12T09:55:00.004-05:00

Wow. I recently read a post about sugar free jolly ranchers. The memories of my diagnosis came flooding back. It is so amazing how sometimes things come full circle.

I was 9 and my little sister was 7. It must have been a special occasion because Mom let us pick out a special treat for ourselves. You see, even before I knew what diabetes was or that it even existed my Mom made us eat very healthy. Treats were just that: treats. We were already on a diet of fresh fruit and lots of veggies. Sugary cereals were not even allowed within a mile of our house (we didn't tell her about the neighbors!).

I chose Jolly Ranchers. Green is my favorite. Not apple, not lime...green. It still is. I love to eat green goodies. I have no idea why. It isn't my favorite color, but is the color I choose when going for a sugary snack. Well, this bag of Jolly Ranchers only had one green. Let me also tell you that I save my favorites for last...a lesson my husband quickly learned when he would go to nibble on MY food after he was done with his own. If it is still on my plate it means DO NOT touch it because I am saving it for last! I do it with everything; I deliberately and carefully divide what I am eating into my favorites and my not so favorites and then eat them accordingly. So what if I am only left with the green jelly beans at the end, I prefer my favorites over variety.

So I saved my green jolly rancher. We could eat one a day after we ate our supper. I kept a close eye on it and as it got closer and closer to the end of the bag, my excitement grew. It was going to be soooo yummy and boy was I going to savor it!

Little did I know that a few jolly ranchers short of getting to taste that tempting green morsel of goodness I would be diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and sugar in any form, amount or color would be an absolute no-no.

So what happened to it? My little sister got to eat my green jolly rancher, while I sat there and watched tearfully. Life was NOT fair and to me it was the end of the world...

...but it wasn't, and here we are. Not only can I eat as many "real" green Jolly Ranchers as my heart desires, but now there is an apparently pretty good sugar free variety as well, that will likely wreak much less havoc on my blood sugars, and my temptations!

Oh so low, then high in the sky!!

2008-05-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, so here is the story that I teased you about yesterday:

At around 7:15 pm last night I decided to go for a little run with Bella. I checked my blood sugar and it was 162. Awesome! Good to go.

So Bella and I take off in the neighborhood. I left my pump on because I wasn't really sure about what to do when exercising with my pump and when I asked my EX-CDE she wouldn't really discuss it with me. I ran a bit at first but then Bella wouldn't really keep up, which is rather odd. She LOVES her walk/runs. I don't know if it was her new pinch collar that we use for training or whether she could sense something was not right, or whether she was just being a royal pain...but toward the end, we were barely walking she was being so difficult. Thank goodness...

I really didn't even feel like I was low until I turned onto the street that our house is on, but I was like 7 or 8 blocks away. That is when I realized that I really wasn't recognizing the houses around me, or the street signs and it was as if I was in a fog. I had already noticed that my shirt was pretty much soaked...but I was running...in South Louisiana.

I just tried to focus on the getting home. Even then I tried to tell myself I couldn't be low...I was just tired, and frustrated at my darn dog who was just stumbling along beside me. It was such a strange feeling, trying to hold on to reality...to even determine what WAS reality. Maybe that big bag that Bella was barking at like a mad dog really was some evil person peering at us slyly...and maybe the light in front of my house that was glowing like a globe was really just some little alien waiting for us to approach. It was as if I was dreaming some fanciful fairytale. I still don't remember the houses or the street names and I don't really know HOW I made it home, but I did.

7:55 pm - 31 YIKES! And that was after I finished my first juice. So I had another juice and 8 glucose tablets, which usually give me a horrible sugar headache and make me cringe but for some reason at that moment in time those orange powdery sugar tabs tasted about as good as a fantastic chocolate cake, with cherries, homemade vanilla ice cream AND whipped cream. I ended up eating about 60 carbs in all.

8:05 - 57
8:15 - 55
8:30 - 81
9:30 - 83
10:00 - 118, ate 15 grams of carbs and only bolused for half of that, giving .8 instead of 1.5 units

Whoo, good to go. Seems like I did everything right, WITHOUT going crazy with the food. I didn't even pull out the delicious buttercream frosting...I stuck to the basics, juice and glucose tabs.

Oh, but no...that would make way too much sense, wouldn't it!

4:00 am - I woke up feeling a tad nauseous and sluggish. I needed to use the restroom so I figured I might as well check my blood sugar, just to see what it was...and heck, I still love seeing my blood sugar just magically show up on my pump when I use my new UltraLink - 402 WHAT?!??

How in the world did that happen? I mean, two hours after correcting my low I was still only 118. Everything I had was fast acting and so should have already affected my blood sugar within the two hours that I ate it. Even if I didn't take enough for my snack before bed, it was only an extra 8 carbs that went unaccounted for, certainly not enough to raise my blood sugar 400 points. Am I missing something?? Maybe I was sleeping on my site or tubing wrong?? Or maybe I did just miscalculate?? Ugh. I should have just binged on something fantastic like my buttercream frosting...

Ahhh, Relief!

2008-05-08T16:21:00.003-05:00

Well, I had my endo appointment this morning and all went well!! It is such an amazing relief! The doc is going to get me set up with a Minimed rep in the area to get situated on the pump, and he can help me figure some things out. I am so relieved to have my big mess over with and to hopefully have someone who understands (he has diabetes, too!)!!! I can't wait to get started!

I also can't wait to see what my A1c is going to be! I am trying not to get too excited so that I am not disappointed. It likely will not be perfect, but it HAS to be down from 11.1...it just HAS to! You'll be the first to know when I get the results!

Thank you all for being so supportive of me. It really does mean more than you could ever know!

I also had a very bad low last night and woke up at 4am with an enormous high, but I will save that one for tomorrow!

Why do I continue to get myself into a mess!

2008-05-07T12:19:00.003-05:00

Well, it wasn't horribly messy, but why do I push the limits? Here's the story.

I was running low on strips and was waiting for my appointment tomorrow to get a prescription. Yes, that's right, I have been out of the loop for so long that I didn't even know you could get a prescription for test strips! Why I didn't just call the office to have them call in a prescription, who knows. I am a visual person and have never liked talking on the phone very much and I have always prefered speaking to someone in person rather than on the phone, so that is likely it.

I continued my day yesterday checking more than I usually do, for no reason at all other than I was curious. I thought I would have enough test strips to last me through yesterday and then this morning and I would pick some up today if I had to. Well, for whatever reason, last night my blood sugar dropped very low. It was 39 when I checked, with my last strip.

That left me with no test strips to make sure my blood sugar had risen sufficiently, but not too high. I will admit, I did the right thing and Brad (thanks honey-bun!) brought me to the pharmacy to buy more last night. I knew I had to because I needed to know the damage I had caused by eating gobs of delicious buttercream frosting!

It ended up all being fine and my blood sugar was good, but why do I even put myself in that predicament?? I am just asking for trouble!!

Calibrate My Meter? Do what??

2008-05-06T09:38:00.003-05:00

Ok, I have heard about calibrating meters, but as many of you know, I didn't really reap the enormous benefits of actually using a meter for at least the last 6 or 7 years, if not more. But now that I am 'back on track' I am trying to do everything right.

So, I got my new UltraMini and my new UltraLink. The meter I had been using was an UltraSmart. I checked my blood sugar on both the Link and Mini, using the same drop of blood and there was a 25 point difference!!! I didn't use the Smart, though. The UltraLink was lower than the UltraMini. Isn't that a pretty HUGE difference? I mean, having a 55 v. a 80 is kind of a big deal, isn't it?!?

Help! I don't know what to do or how to know which one is actually more reliable. Any tips, suggestions, or diabetes lessons for a girl who has seemingly forgotten all that it means to have diabetes??

True Test of Success

2008-05-05T14:30:00.002-05:00

Well, I have my endo appointment on Thursday! I am not going to lie, I am nervous!! I feel like my A1c result will be the true test of how well I have really been doing. It HAS to be down from the 11.1 it was in December, but I just don't know how low it will go. I have been testing regularly and taking my insulin like I should, so it should reflect in my A1c.

I am not going to lie, though, this week and last were not good. I just haven't been checking like I should and I have forgotten to bolus a few times and of all the weeks to do it I choose right before my appointment! :( I think I have just been frustrated lately and feeling as though I just don't want to deal with it all; honestly, the lack of support from my CDE hasn't helped, but I am in control of my own actions.

Also, when I get nervous, for the past ten years or so I have dealt with that by not taking good care of myself so I can kind of "zone" out, so my learned behavior has been to just do that, without even really thinking about it, so I am trying to fight that and remember to take extra care to do everything I need to stay healthy.

I am nervous about my test results, but also about talking to my endo about my CDE experiences. I am horrible at confrontation because I really hate making people feel bad, but this just has to be done, for all of her patients' sake. I guess maybe I am just internally blaming my diabetes for even making me have to deal with all of this and therefore am retaliating by slacking off. Or maybe I am just reading too much into it all...

I'll be sure to take my "brave big girl" pill Thursday morning and report how it goes!

DiabetesSisters.org

2008-05-02T15:23:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to remind you about diabetessisters.org!! You HAVE to check it out and join the sisterhood! I am actually the Blog Manager for the site and it is FULL of amazing women who all come together for support and encouragement. Read the blogs and ask questions of the bloggers and our new CDE.

Also sign up for access to the forums. It has been so great to be able to "speak" with other women with diabetes in the forums and ask them questions and hear their stories!! Don't forget to introduce yourself in the forum as well.

If you ever have any questions or concerns about the site or if you want to help out, please email me at Suzanne@diabetessisters.org and we will address it!

Have fun and I will see you there!!

Oh my Goodness, Oh my Goodness!

2008-05-01T16:03:00.002-05:00

As many of you now know, Minimed has sent out their new One Touch UltraLink meters for their pumps! Well, I had the one prior to this and it is SOOO awesome...I mean come on, I check my blood sugar and the number shows up on my pump, how cool is that!!

I received the note in the mail on Tuesday saying they had been shipped and it came with a coupon for a free One Touch meter. I already have and use their UltraSmart, so I decided to get the UltraMini for those times when a cute little clutch would be appropriate...I was pumped. I love new diabetes gadgets, as many of you do as well. So yesterday I went out and bought my new little UltraMini (in green!). THEN, when I got home, guess what was waiting for me by my door...

Yep, that's right, my new UltraLink!! It is so cool! When I first got my new pump and when I still had strips for the last one that wirelessly connected to my pump I think I checked my blood sugar, umm...12 times that first day!! I know, money down the drain, but come on...that is some cool stuff!!

I am so excited. I would have NEVER thought that checking my blood sugar could actually be fun!! I must be losing my mind! =:~)

What Now?!?!

2008-04-30T09:23:00.004-05:00

I made a personal decision to not write about my negative CDE experiences again. I HATE being negative and it is so important to see one!! BUT...

She called: I sent her my blood sugar log on Friday, as we discussed at our last meeting. Had my entire sheet filled in, the one SHE needs, complete with notes, etc. Well she called me yesterday, Tuesday. First thing out of her mouth, "I got your log, you know, when you send it to me on Friday I don't have time to discuss it with the doctor so you really need to make sure you get it in by Thursday..." Again, I am being reprimanded for doing exactly what she told me to do. I really can't win.

Then, she went on to tell me "we can't do anything to help you until your life settles down." Huh? My life is pretty settled: Work, home. Work, home. Work, home. And most of my b/s were really good, and I really don't think I needed much done with my rates, etc. What I came to realize is that she was focused on ONE DAY ONLY. Thursday. The day I got sworn in as an attorney in New Orleans, which I made note of to explain my crazy b/s that day. She proceeded to ask me if when I celebrate, do I do it big...basically asking whether I got sloppy drunk, haha! Well, I was spending the day with my family walking around the fabulous French Quarter (if you haven't been, you NEED TO), so I don't think acting like a fool would have been appropriate...

Then came the quiz: "Do you know how to drink alcohol with diabetes??" "Do you eat when you drink??" "Do you follow the rules?" Ugh, here we go again. I couldn't hold it in, so I just said, "Well, I was diagnosed when I was 9, so I wasn't exactly drinking then." What part of "I haven't seen a CDE regularly for the past 10 years" does she not understand??? I know that alcohol lowers blood sugar, but when I started drinking my blood sugar was so high all the time I had no chance of getting low... And I didn't even drink on the day she was referring to, especially considering I had work the next day!

Again, I am here to get on track, to learn the rules, so that I can follow them. Sure, I may seem stupid that I don't know exactly what all of these little rules are, but it isn't like it comes naturally. And does she, someone who is supposed to teach people what to do for good control, have to make me feel stupid every single time we speak?? If you don't use it, you lose it, right. Well I have lost all that information, and she is going to make me lose my mind! I told her from the beginning I needed to start fresh, and ever since then she has treated me like a non-compliant (again, I hate that word!!) diabetic who just refuses to do what I am told...

She has sarcastically asked me in the past whether she was "getting through to me", well apparently I am not getting through to her!! I had already made up my mind that I am not going to see her again, but it still gets to me. I mean, every time I talk to her I feel discouraged and as though I CAN'T do this. Even when I am trying my hardest, and I AM, I just am not doing good enough apparently. So what's the point. Why try?? The people who are supposed to be there to support me and guide me obviously don't think I am doing a good enough job and just criticize me. Honestly, yesterday after she called was the closest I came to feeling as though I just wanted to give up. I won't, but I was just so frustrated that I can see how far I have come and how well I am doing, but it just isn't good enough. Will it ever be good enough??

Honestly, I just don't get it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to her to make her feel like I am just wasting her time...and that is exactly how she comes across to me: That I am just a waste of her time because I will just never get it right...

I will let you know how it goes next week when I tell the doc that I no longer want to see her...I think if I keep thinking about it I am just going to end up even more discouraged than I am now. The last thing I need right now is to start the tears rolling, because I don't think they will stop if I do.

What I love.

2008-04-23T11:17:00.002-05:00

Yay!! This is my very first meme!! I found it on Kelly's blog: Diabetesaliciousness.

This is just the thing I needed, too! I hate writing negative things, like my bad experience with my CDE, because that is just life. Nothing is perfect in life and that is perfectly alright. We learn from our experiences, and I definitely believe that makes us stronger and it shapes who we are. So...I wanted something HAPPY to write about and found this!!

The rules are simple. Make a list of your loves. BUT you can’t include a single person on your list. You can't say that "I love my husband's eyes” or “I love the way my sister sings.” It’ll be tough! But this meme is to figure out what YOU love and what makes YOU happy and that should not be defined by other people. If you were the only person on earth, what things would still make you happy?

Here we go!

I love dressing up and getting all gussied up.

I love dressing down and hanging out in my p.j.'s.

I love going out for a night on the town.

I love staying in and cuddling up on my couch for a relaxing night at home.

I love buying myself fresh flowers. Just seeing them around the house makes me cheery and happy.

I love Margaritas and I now love a wine I just discovered: Gnarly Head. I didn't think I liked red wine until I tried their Old Vine Zin and now I am part of the "cool wine drinkers club".

I love finding new things that I love, like my new wine. When you think you have found everything there is, poof, something new shows up!

I love dancing to the 80's...and to the radio, and when I'm out, and at weddings, and in the shower, and in the car, and even to TV commercials.

I love sappy old love songs.

I love sappy romantic movies.

I love hosting parties at my home.

I love wild flowers. Each one is a little gift from God.

I love bold colors, but bold yellow is my absolute favorite.

I love new leaves in the Spring.

I love listening to music from 80's and 90's. Give me REO Speedwagon, Celine Dion, old Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton and I will show you one happy girl!

I love Banana Runts.

I love cute papertowels, and it takes me forever to find just the right roll!

I love Andes Mints.

I love Snail Mail.

I love Laffy Taffy jokes.

I love Surprises. Especially just those little things that simply say "hey, I've been thinking about you".

I love Dark Chocolate Kisses, especially the ones with mint!

I love to read a good book.

I love piano music.

I love driving around and seeing new things, or just looking at old houses or going to neighborhoods I have never been in. Maybe it is because I didn't grow up in a neighborhood, but each one seems like it is its own little secret place, with different styles, different people, different secret places for kids to hide out in.

I love pizza the next day heated up in a toaster oven where the crust is really crunchy but the stuff on top is really gooey.

I love when the red light turns green right when you approach it.

I love seeing butterflies busily doing what probably to them just seems like work.

I love when the little email notifier pops up saying that I have a new email.

Wow, I really could probably go on all day!! How fun is it to think of all the things that make me happy! I just love the little things in life and there are oh so many!!

Now it is your turn!! If you have a blog, make your own list, but remember, leave out all those people that you love in your life and make it all about YOU! If you don't have a blog, just reflect on those things. It is amazing how uplifting it is and it makes me remember all of those things that I am grateful for, and goodness there is just so much!

What Rules??

2008-04-23T09:54:00.002-05:00

Overall, I think my CDE appointment went well. I went in there determined to just accept the things I needed, get my questions answered and to try my hardest not to be sensitive. For the most part, I think it worked, but it took just about all I had at times.

First, when I walked in she didn't really know what our "plan" for the appointment was. Last time she told me that she was going to teach me to use dual bolus and wave bolus and I guess some other new pump things, but I didn't really know why she wanted to see me either, to be honest. I figured it was her job to make notes on our follow up visit since she scheduled it for me.

Well, first, I gave her my record sheet (which was given to me at my dietician's appointment) all filled out with what I ate and little notes to remind myself why I had highs, etc. I must admit, I was very proud. Two full weeks of not only checking my blood sugars at least 4 times a day, but it was written down, too!! Talk about being proud of myself. Well, she wasn't very impressed. Apparently she "can't do anything with this!" To be honest, I was taken aback, but she said that it was not on the correct form and she couldn't see patterns, etc. to make any changes. This sheet had a full week on each side and I kept the times around the same place on the sheet, so I could see patterns just fine...but it wasn't on her sheet and therefore it was apparently useless. She didn't even attempt to look at it to see if she could see anything. That's fine if she has a certain sheet to use, but don't get mad at me because I didn't know I HAD to use that one sheet...I used one that someone in the SAME office gave me! But, I just sat there, feeling my heart starting to pick up speed. I was just kind of dumbfounded at her harsh reaction. It isn't even WHAT she is saying, it is HOW she says it to me. Just tell me that I need to use her sheet starting today, don't act like everything I have done for the past few weeks was just worthless.

One problem now is that I don't even attempt to explain because she doesn't listen to what I say, I just end up getting the lecture twice. After she went off on how she can't see any patterns and as she was digging out HER sheet from her drawer, she just kept saying "Am I making any sense to you?? Do you understand what I am saying??" It took all I had not to reply with "Um, yes, I am 26 years old and have had diabetes for 17 of those years, I know that patterns are important; although, I honestly can't see why you can't see them from the sheet I brought, but I will certainly not make that mistake again. Would you like me to now go sit in the naughty girl time-out chair?" So much for feeling proud of myself...

Then, at another time she was asking me about how often I change my sites. I told her every 4 sometimes 5 days. I haven't met any diabetic who actually sticks to the 3 day rule. If you do then way to go! It is apparently very very important, although I have had no problems sticking to my own 5 day rule. After telling her that I do it every 4 or 5 days she just curtly said that I need to change it every 3 days and I need to write it down in my log...then sarcastically something like "For at least a little while you are going to have to start following the rules if we are to make any changes here".

She stepped out of the office for a minute while I gathered my nerve to actually say something in response. So, when she returned I meekly responded that "you say I am not following the rules, but I have not done just about anything for almost 10 years. I came here because I need to relearn the rules. Please tell me what they are so I can follow them." Which is TRUE. I wasn't forced to come in and I am certainly not attempting to be non-complaint (ugh I hate that word). I want to relearn what I need to do! Like the rule that your blood sugar should be over 100 before bed. I had no clue until recently (although it makes TONS of sense!). Those little things that I should know like the back of my hand...I don't and that is why I am here. If I wanted to neglect my health, I promise you that I know how. I know the tricks and I know the gimmicks to pull, and I CERTAINLY would not be going to see a CDE, let alone paying to see one! I want to make sure that I have all of the tools that I need to succeed at this and I am determined to do so. So the rest of the appointment I was just determined to ask the questions I had, get the info I needed for myself, and then just move on.

I could understand the way she treats me if we had a history. We don't! I have seen her three times (one when she interupted my dietician appointment). She has no reason to be so harsh with me. She knows nothing about my struggles in the past except that I am trying to get back on track. Her attitude just is not justified and I just don't understand it. I have not been sarcastic with her, never responded to her and just took what she had and then (sorry to all of you :/) vented about it here.

I have decided that at my next appointment with my doctor I am going to ask that he refer me to someone else. Our personalities obviously just clash and I can see that it isn't going to get better. She just has a condescending attitude toward me and since there was no reason for it from the beginning, I can see it isn't going to change. That's fine. It is important for us to know and realize that we are not going to be compatible with everyone that we meet, and we just have to remember that we can choose to see someone else. She may be wonderful for everyone else, but for me, it just isn't working. That is just how life goes and it isn't personal. Heck, for some reason she might just be dying for me to make that switch, too. Maybe I just remind her of her son's evil girlfriend that she never liked or the neighbor who used to egg her car or something bizarre like that!

I also just want to say that I know how hard CDEs work for us and they are such an important part of our treatment team. The key is finding one that you feel you can trust and get help from. It is ok to search around and find one that fits. Don't let one person get you down and I am determined to not let that happen to me. Keeping in touch with SOMEONE is important, though.

P.S.- I am still VERY proud of my two week record sheet. It might not have been done the way she wanted it, but it is proof of how far I have come! I should frame it and maybe I will :)

Appointment #2

2008-04-21T12:40:00.002-05:00

Well, today I have my second CDE appointment after getting my new pump. As many of you know, at my dietician's appointment, things got kind of emotional for me. Let me be very straightforward and admit that I am very sensitive. I think this makes me a great friend and someone that people feel they can talk to and trust...but some people (mostly my Mom) say I overreact to things. I actually think I hold a lot back and am pretty strong, so I guess I should just say that I have been accused of being sensitive.

That being said, I don't think I overreacted to my CDE at my dietician appointment. I felt extremely attacked and she was not listening to me at all. So I am nervous about today. The problem is that now I am already prepared to be very defensive. I am trying to come up with excuses for things that should not require excuses. "My blood sugar is high that day because we had a crawfish boil and it was kind of hard to count carbs" ...I am a normal South Louisianian and I will NOT stay away from crawfish! I have an explanation for just about every high written down right there on my log, but like last time, I am afraid she is going to want to make changes to my basal rates without paying any attention to what I have written down.

I will admit, this weekend I was not on my A game. I barely checked and took insulin at random. There was no intent to deliberately raise by b/s, I was just lazy. It was the first time in a very long time that I did it, and it was partly due to the fact that we had our in-laws in town staying with us and I was busy as heck :) ...and I didn't want to be bothered with diabetes. So I wasn't. It all started when I forgot my darned meter at home on Thursday...

I am back on track today and my blood sugars have been great. I am just afraid she is going to completely focus on the two days that I didn't do well and disregard the two weeks that I did wonderfully. Checking at a very minimum 4 to 5 times per day...usually around 8-10 times was unheard of 7 months ago. I am determined not to be too hard on myself because then I would never get back on track and just give up...I let it go and I am back where I need to be. I just hope she does the same...

Ugh, my blood sugar is going to go up just stressing about it. After my last appointment it was over 300 when I got home!! If it doesn't go well, I am just going to be very straightforward with her and request someone else. If I am not being helped by her, then what is the point in me PAYING for these appointments...

Hopefully I am worrying about nothing, but I will certainly let you know!

Wowzers =:~)

2008-04-17T10:43:00.004-05:00

First: Thank you to everyone who has commented on my last post. Your support and encouragement has been incredible. If it wasn't for all of you allowing me to peer into your worlds and to get a glimpse of your successes, struggles, frustrations, and your own journeys I may not have felt the overwhelming strength that I think I now have. Feeling as though I am not fighting this alone has meant more than any of you will ever know...or maybe you do!! Words really cannot express how amazing your presence in my life has been and the impact that it has made.

Second: I left my meter at home today!! Ugh! I have done so fantastically well and now I forget my meter for the day!?!? What is that?? I feel so lost without it. I know my blood sugar is on the high side; I can feel it...but what do I give? I have no clue. I guess forgetting my meter once after all this time is actually not all that bad, but it is very frustrating. Before I would "forget it on purpose" but not anymore!! And now I forget it for real. But, I will just have to do what I can when I get home to make up for the crazy day.

Third: I chopped off all of my hair. 12 inches to be exact - I donated it. I don't know if I like it, though. My cheeks have become too chubby for this hair and I can't hide my new plump face from the world; it makes me feel uneasy. I am sure it will grow on me, though. I hope so!!

Fourth: Bella has her second training class tonight! The first went well. She now sees a treat and sits immediately (hahaha!). Although, she pretty much knew "sit" and "come here" already. She is a very smart little thing and she is learning fast...but she is also a tad stubborn. Smart and stubborn are not always a very good combination! Oh, and I have video to prove that she DOES throw temper tantrums...I'll post that, too as soo as I figure out how.

I suppose that is all for my day. Already starting to get uneasy about my CDE appointment on Monday, but I am sure it will be fine. I want to ask her about getting on my CGMS...I was very nervous about this at first since I didn't know if I wanted all my my blood sugars and I certainly didn't want it beeping everytime it started going high (since well, I may have wanted it that way...) but I am now feeling much better about it and I think I can do it. I'll let you know what she says!

Time to reveal the truth: My Secret

2008-04-14T13:53:00.006-05:00

I came to a realization today: I am over the hump.

Not checking my blood sugar, not taking care of myself, and ignoring my diabetes is no longer a thought in my mind. It is no longer an option I consider. I feel like it has been years since I just breezed through life without a thought to my diabetes care; it feels like a lifetime ago. I'd be lying if I said that I don't struggle; we all do. I'd be lying if I said that my old temptations don't rise up every now and then. But now they just rise and then they fall again, without me needing to force them out of my mind; they no longer linger...for days. They are merely a passing whisper that just fades away. I figure now that I am over it, it is ok to tell you my secret. I'll probably regret it as soon as I do, but if I am going to keep my promise to be honest, then it is just something that has to be done.

My secret: My biggest struggle with gaining control over my diabetes, was getting over what I have recently found out is called 'dia bulemia'. I don't like the word. I prefered when there wasn't a name...I don't feel there is a word to describe it. It was nice to realize I was not alone, but it made me incredibly sad and scared, as well. I wish I was the only one.

I'd be lying if I said that I was completely happy and at ease with the weight I have put on. I'm not. I try not to glance in the mirror when I pass one so I don't tear up and get discouraged. My mind fills with negative thoughts about myself, so I just try to stay away. It's hard. It has been a struggle for me since I was around 12 or 13, maybe even earlier than that. That is when these demons first showed me their ugly heads. I was stick thin but thought I was horribly fat. I promise you, I most certainly was not. I was a bony little thing. I only know that now because I have pictures to prove it. My mind would certainly have fooled you. That is the time when I realized that not only would insulin save my life, but not taking it would make me thin. I don't understand it and chances are I never will, but it has been a struggle that I have fought for a long time.

When I was still at home, it was hard, because Mom still monitored me. I couldn't just get away with it. I would binge on sugar at night...bread rolled with all the sugar that would fit in the middle...and then take insulin to get me down for the morning. Little did I know that wouldn't really work. I even tried suffering through lows for as long as I could stand it so that my A1c (an 'average') would not be high. That doesn't work either.

My parents found out when we went on a beach vacation. I wanted to look thin(ner than I was) in a bathing suit, so I took even less than usual. After moving all of the luggage in and upstairs, I was just so tired. I went to the bathroom and passed out, hitting my head on the sink. They had no idea, but I had to confess my sins then. I can't even imagine what went through their minds. But something tells me that at that moment, it all made sense. My crazy blood sugars and A1c's. They knew, and I couldn't take it back.

To be honest, I barely remember the story. I don't think about it; I don't go back there. I just went through the motions. It is hard to think about it now; it is hard to imagine I was that person. I am that person. I know that eventually I just stopped taking my insulin altogether...only enough to keep me barely alive. My poor parents would try to force me to, but I wouldn't do it. There were times when the would beg me to...plead with me, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I don't know why, and I don't understand it well enough to explain.

In high school and my first years of college I was in and out of hospitals close to 20 times from DKA. When I started college my parents made me go to a doctor two or three times a week so they could check my ketones. When I would get admitted to the hospital, the nurses had such a horrible time getting an IV in me. Thinking about it makes me cringe! They would try just about every vein and then finally one would work. There were times I admitted myself and discharged myself without anyone stopping by. It was the same routine; why should anyone visit? The day that I would get out is the day that I would stop taking my insulin again.

Eventually I stopped going to doctors; heck, why bother. I was killing myself. I don't know how I made it, but God obviously had his hand on my back, guiding me and keeping me safe. There is no other explanation. I even wrote notes in my journal in case I died. I guess they were like farewell notes to my family. I wrote out all the things I loved about them, for them to find when my body gave up. I never told anyone that before...

I became so thin, probably at one point under 90 lbs, or at least close to it. I didn't know how thin I really was until a few years after when I was looking at pictures. I really had no idea; how could I not know? I don't even know how that could make sense. It doesn't.

I was so weak. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand. I couldn't eat. I'd get the worst chills and nothing would keep me warm. I'd throw up from being in DKA constantly. My hair fell out. There were times I couldn't shower without sitting down. I couldn't stand without almost blacking out. I don't know how I did it. I have no idea what possessed me.

I've tried to "get better" before, but then I would gain the weight and become completely discouraged. I'd hate myself. My way of dealing with stress had always been to eat tons of sugar, to raise my blood sugar...to numb out. But I couldn't do that...or if I did, I had to deal with the calories. That has also always been my way to "diet"...to eat tons of sweets, so that was always my first thought and I would often succumb to it, resulting in me giving up. I still do that when I am stressed...I go for the sugar.

I have had people ask me why I did it. I have no explanation other than I suppose different people react differently to things and well, no one's life is identical to another's. My life was already tightly controlled by my diabetes and once my parents found out, it became much much more controlled (as it should have); I rebelled against that. My older brother passed away when he was 8; I was 5. So naturally, my parents did everything they could to keep me 'under control'; maybe that played a role, who knows. Maybe it is just some flaw in my brain. Sometimes I think about what I would tell others to help prevent it, but I have no advice. I would probably have done exactly what my Mom did, but in my mind the more control I had over me, the worse I got. I felt so trapped. I felt like I was in a small cage and had no escape. No logic can explain it because it isn't logical.

After years of that, it just became common-place. It was no longer a conscious decision to neglect my care; it was just what I did. I just went through the motions. I was too scared to deal with any other alternative. I was never ready to deal with the consequences of what I did to my body. It all began over 15 years ago. I don't even know how that is possible; I don't know how it got that out of hand. But somehow it did, and I am happy to say that part of my life is over; it's done with. I have finally conquered the beast!

I am happy that I am now strong enough to not let it consume me and that I no longer allow it to control my actions, but it still gets me down and the pain is still there. I don't know why. I still feel like it is bigger than me. I know it will take time, but I just wish it would go away. I know it has only been around 4 months, but I am so ready. One day it will go away, just like I got over this first hump, I will also get over the next. Right? I suppose for now that is my dream, and I am holding onto it with everything I have! I have to.

Just Pumping Along...

2008-04-09T13:49:00.011-05:00

Honestly, things have been pretty good. I don't have much to write about (although this usually leads to me going of on something quite random ;)). I have been checking quite regularly, usually at least 6 times a day. My sugars have been kind of all over with no clear pattern in sight, but I am recording everything so hopefully we can make some changes when I have to go back to my dreaded CDE appt. in a week and a half on April 21st.

My next goal is to start exercising. I have just been very lazy about it lately. My hon and I used to take regular walks in the neighborhood behind our house with our pup, Bella, but lately that has been a no go. I'll need to get on track with it! But...speaking of Bella, I don't think you have ever met her!

I will now digress from all things diabetes related and onto something absolutely dear to this girl with diabetes' heart: My Bella, who just so happens to have puppy training tomorrow!! I am so nervous!

Bella is already two years old. I got her in May 2006, before my last year of law school. She was actually a birthday gift from my wonderful husband (umm, with a little help from me :)) and he actually propsed to me a few weeks after we got her. Let's just say I cried the first day I left her to go to work that summer. She was in her kennel for four hours, and I cried the entire way to the court house!! It was so pathetic, haha! So, yes, she is my baby...but I will be the first to admit (and the only one who better ever say) that she needs some work!

Bella can throw a temper tantrum like no child I have ever met (and I have seen some kiddos and their tantrums!). I have been trying to get some of these on video, but she is too smart for me! When I do, I promise to share!! Bella is what I like to call demanding. She wants what she wants when she wants it, and yes, I know I contribute to that, which is why I am taking her (umm, me) to training! She also doesn't tend to like certain people...we never know who, or when, but if she doesn't want you to touch her, she will snap at you, after growling quietly under her breath. It is a rare occassion, but I hope to see children in my future, and hopefully they will not be furry and will only walk on all fours for a temporary amount of time! And, ANY snapping is not quite rare enough. So yes, little missy is going to get trained, and I am scared to death... Mr. Trainer better not say anything mean about my sassy little thing or else I might...well, I might cry!!

Little Ms. Bella thinks I am the most amazing person in the whole wide world! It never matters how I feel, what my blood sugars are, how much weight I gain, or how moody I am - she loves me. Sometimes I think she actually believes I am not only her Mom, but I am also her little girlfriend, haha! If my husband and I are hugging, after a few seconds we will hear a squeaky whining noise coming from around our knees, then this little white blur will begin to jump up on us while throwing her head in a tantrum...until I pick her up and sandwich her right there in between us, haha!! Yes, I love it! But, I am not looking forward to one more opportunity for me to be 'graded' ... this time on how I am doing as a Puppy Mommy rather than how I am doing with my diabetes...but, such is life, and I have a feeling that this will be a lot easier than controlling a disease that will not be controlled!!

I'll definitely keep you posted on how we do!! Wish me luck! (told you I'd go off on a tangent...)

Here's how it went...

2008-04-04T20:13:00.002-05:00

Ok, first let me say that I am still excited that I got some new info on carb counting and have some goals set. My new dietician also helped me to come up with my max calories and max carbs for weight loss. So that was very good and I am still encouraged by that. Also, she is very very nice and is also a T1, so I know that she at least understand what I am dealing with. I have honestly not really met another T1...

However, when I got there, my dietician took my meter and pump to get my bs, which was of course fine. Not all of my bs are on my pump, though, because if my blood sugar is fine and I am not eating (like every single morning, unless it is high), I don't put it in my pump. Also, as those of you who keep up with my blogs know, I haven't been at 100%, meaning, I have had some days where I struggled a lot and became very discouraged...I've had bouts of several days like that. I mean, let's be real here, I have gone from basically not checking my blood sugar AT ALL for six months or more, to trying to start all over. I have finally learned that I am not going to be perfect, and that that is ok. I am not going to set myself up for failure...again. I've done that for years. Well, when she returned after uploading the sugars from my pump and she brought in the CDE, as well...

I felt as though the CDE was being so confrontational, one: without even having any reason and if she did, she didn't clue me in on it, and two: without first realizing she didn't even have all of my blood sugars. If you have a question for me, I am a very intelligent adult. Just ask me. I still don't know what she was trying to accomplish or even what she was trying to figure out, but she barely listened to what I had to say when explaining my reasons for the random things she pointed out...like, "oh I see here you suspended your pump for 3 and a half hours..." Yea, I more than likely I took it off for my shower, forgot to rehook it immediately, grabbed it on my way out of the door and stuck it in my purse, where I forgot about it again, until I realize, oops!! and plugged it back in. Sorry, but it happens! But she didn't listen to anything I had to say; she would even talk over my explanations!

I am not perfect and I never will be, but at least have the decency to treat me like a responsible adult who just so happens to be human, too. OH, and yea, one who is also making big time readjustments to getting back on track. I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes, I have a really really hard time and it takes everything in me to make the choice to keep staying strong and trying to stay healthy, but I do it. Be proud of that, don't point out all of the little things that aren't perfect, especially without giving me the chance to explain them. I already feel so judged when I go to see a CDE...this just made it so much worse for me.

I made the appointment today because I knew I was messing up on carb counting and meal boluses, so I know by bs are all over the place, so don't throw assumed accusations at me when I am doing what I feel I need to do...becoming more educated so the goof ups don't happen!

I am sorry about the rant, but I am just so frustrated that I have felt like I have been doing pretty well (for me) but what I am NOT doing is getting noticed, instead of all of the strides that I have made...but, I guess that is life, and I am proud of myself and sometimes that is all it needs to take.

Starting from Scratch...The Final Step

2008-04-04T08:59:00.002-05:00

I have my first dietician appointment in who knows how many years. I must admit, I am very excited!! I think this is one of the final steps to getting me completely reoriented to being a diabetic! I feel like one of the reasons I keep "falling" lately is because I don't really remember how to bolus for what I eat, or how many carbs are in something. So, I just give up and get frustrated. It has been 17 years since I was first introduced to the world of diabetes, and I was only 9, so my Mom took care of a lot of that stuff for me. Sure, I learned eventually, but it didn't take me long before I gave up and stopped caring about my diabetes. I would give insulin randomly, if at all...I did that for almost 10 years!!

But NOW, I will finally get to re-learn all of that! This is exactly what I need to get back on track! AND this dietician is apparently a Type 1 Diabetic! I am just so pumped! And my hon is coming with me, so he can learn all about it, too!

Yay! I'll let you know how it goes =:~)

Week in Review

2008-04-03T09:01:00.002-05:00

This past week has not been the best for me diabetes wise...I haven't been checking or bolusing nearly as much as I should and I guess I sort of took a mini break from my diabetes. Starting today, I am getting back on track!

I must say I have been doing pretty well eating healthy foods, though! I have not had fast food in I don't know how long...probably at least a month or two, which is probably a record for me, haha! It is just so EASY!! Now, we have gone out to eat at restaraunts, we just have not gotten fast food...

My next goal is to really kick up my exercise routine!! I NEED to exercise more. Once I get home, I am just so worthless!! If anyone has tips on what they do, I would LOVE to hear them!

Also, I wanted to make sure everyone knew about the DiabetesSisters.org launch party this weekend!! If you are in the area, you can attend in person, or if you aren't, you can chat with everyone online!! It is going to be an amazing opportunity to meet women who also have diabetes!! Check it out! http://diabetessisters.org